Personal blog of christian
writer & fallible mom
Katy McKenna Raymond
in Kansas City, Missouri
Katy is represented by
Greg Johnson at
WordServe Literary
Read more Katy at
LateBoomer.net
Recent Posts
- Try
- Becoming Brenda Starr
- Off Beat
- Scattered
- That’s It
- So I’ve Finally Signed With An Agent. Now What?
- The Spoon
- Sciatica
- Sweetheart
- A Woman’s Train of Thought Has No Caboose
- However much we own, we are all still living on borrowed time
- After all, when restaurants shrink portions, they don’t shrink prices.
- As with everything in life, balance is key.
- Slow down, you move too fast…
- Yeah, I know. I have issues.
Syndicate
E me at katy @ ngenius.com
The Purpose Driven Funeral?
Let me go on record: I’m all about the purpose-driven life. And The Purpose Driven Life, for that matter. What irks me is the purpose-driven funeral.
Yesterday’s funeral for the stateswoman Coretta Scott King is a case-in-point. I cannot for the life of me imagine a less appropriate venue for partisan infighting than at the memorial services for one of our country’s most beloved figures—unless, I suppose, Mrs. King or her children specifically requested (unlikely, in my opinion) that the various speakers (including former President Jimmy Carter) diss the current President of the United States, who attended to pay his respects.
I miss the good, old days. When I was a kid growing up among Irish and Scottish immigrants, you could go to a wake or a funeral and expect certain elements to be present and accounted for: tears, laughter, the meloncholy singing of Gaelic tunes, mediocre food, and abundant booze.
There was a palpable comfort in knowing that you wouldn’t be assaulted with someone else’s superimposed talking points, that even if a few things took you by surprise, the occasion would still be centered around your loved one’s memory.
There were no attempts on the part of the bereaved to sanctify their dead beyond the point at which they’d been revered in life, either. In fact, all bets were off once the body had cooled enough to not fight back.
In those days, those left behind often got down and dirty, talking about the dearly departed right to his (dead) face, making no bones about his many pecularities, faults, and sins—and occasionally, if rarely, even his strong points.
At my father’s funeral 22 years ago, one of his best buddies came up to me to offer his condolences. My father, born in Scotland, and Mr. Bell, born in Ireland, had met in the 1940s, fresh off the boat. Mr. Bell knew my dad better than most, I guess.
“I’ve never met a man who had better luck gambling,” he said.
“Yes,” I agreed, though his comment startled me since it had been my belief that Dad stopped gambling when I was eight, after a particularly nasty run-in with some Italian businessmen. “He really was something, huh?” I hoped Mr. Bell would offer a bit more information, and I wasn’t disappointed.
“That time he pocketed a quick ten grand was fabulous, lass, wasn’t it?”
“Unbelievable!” I said.
After swallowing that little morsel my father had somehow managed to hide from his family, I greeted an unfamiliar woman with genuine feelings of loss glistening in her moist eyes.
“How did you know my father?” I asked.
“He was my boss at the bank,” she said.
“It was so nice of you to come…” I said.
“He was a son of a b—-h to work for,” she finished.
“Yes. Well…thank you.”
You can’t buy that kind of honesty anymore, people. These days, you go to a funeral and all of a sudden you’re slapped in the face with an agenda suspect enough to make you take another look at the program to make sure you’re at the right church.
You find out within minutes of entering the house of prayer that the deceased had ambitions, accomplishments, and principles you’d never imagined. Not only that, but you learn which charitable organization—the more controversial the better—he donated his fortune, time, and talent to, and you’re encouraged to follow his noble example.
If he had extreme political leanings in either direction, you’ll hear about it now, and if he didn’t, someone will make sure you believe he did. What’s worse, you can leave a funeral completely confused about the person you thought you knew, because his name hardly came up in the service at all.
Here’s what I think: No one’s story should be made better or worse in the moments after death than he would have told it himself in life.
And no one’s funeral should be occasion for anyone’s else’s pet peeves, political persuasions, picketing, or profiteering. If it can’t be about the memory of the one who’s died—whether those memories are good, bad, or indifferent—then skip the whole thing.
When I die, please, just keep it real.
- Katy -
I complete agree - I blogged about this today, too.Posted by Carrie K. on 02/08/06 at 04:49 PM - I think we should just read your blog out loud at your funeral. What do you think?
Posted by Liz on 02/08/06 at 10:28 PM
- Carrie K--We are kindred spirits. I loved what you wrote...
Liz--Perfect! But then, would you come? It would be like watching a repeat!Posted by Katy on 02/09/06 at 07:26 AM - Your daddy sounds like he was a hoot!
The funerals that have moved me most have been the ones where people--friends, relatives, co-workers, whoever--got up one by one and shared favorite stories and memories. No one was in any hurry. People who may have nothing more in common with each other than a shared love for the deceased--all laughing and crying together.
That just seems right to me. Then there should be an all-night dance party. Cuz, hey, when I go, I'll be busting my moves on the golden streets, baby.Posted by Jeanne Damoff on 02/09/06 at 05:59 PM - Jeanne the Dancing Machine--It never occurred to me to have a dance, but that's a great idea! Doing something that really represents the life of the one who died. In my family of origin, that would mean having the funeral at a casino!
I also love it when there's an open mike at a funeral. You feel like you get to know parts of the person's life that maybe you'd never been aware of before.
And yes, my dad was something else!Posted by Katy on 02/09/06 at 06:38 PM - I thought the actions by some were disgraceful (Carter, Lowery ), and says a lot about them as a person. Lowery said on TV that he was sent a paper and requested to talk about what he did, although I don't believe he was requested to put down the President. Those were cheap shots they took! And, a funeral is no place to air those sort of things.
Posted by Barb on 02/15/06 at 09:36 PM
- Barb--I so agree with you! And thanks for checking in here. I'm off to see your blog now. :)
Posted by Katy on 02/15/06 at 10:47 PM
- Sounds a bit like the Wellstone "funeral/rally". I was of the same oppinion when listening to the diatribes during a time when a celebration of a life was to be happening. After the Wellstone fiasco in MN one it was remarked that politics is the religion of the left (note: I did not say democrats). This is the be all and end all for them. They see nothing beyond this world. Oh well...just a couple of thoughts...thanks for a great post....
Posted by Eric on 02/17/06 at 06:52 PM
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