Katy McKenna Raymond  
Personal blog of christian writer Katy McKenna Raymond in Kansas City, Missouri

Personal blog of christian
writer & fallible mom
Katy McKenna Raymond
in Kansas City, Missouri


Katy is represented by
Greg Johnson at
WordServe Literary

Read more Katy at
LateBoomer.net

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The Memory Keeper’s Daughter

I worry sometimes that when I’m dead, no one will remember my brother.

It’s a quiet worry, not one that I’ve ever expressed in words until now. But I guess I’ve carried it in my heart all my life.

Do you feel surprised when you open your containers of Christmas ornaments each year? I’m always shocked at the gasps of joy and stray tears of nostalgia that escape me when I see the treasures my children made for me during their school years. They are my most precious decorations.

But there, among these keepsakes, is one I weep over season after season. It’s a tiny red and ivory knit stocking, no bigger than a baby’s sock, with a printed Santa and the words “Baby’s First Christmas.”

I can’t help how I feel when I hang it on my tree. I can’t help thinking of my parents celebrating Christmas 1951 with their three-month-old firstborn child, unaware that he’d only ever spend three more Christmases on this earth. I can’t help it that I’ve already asked my sweet daughter to become the caretaker for Patrick’s stocking someday.

I’ve already asked my daughter to not forget.

Because, you see, my mother now remembers less about her little boy than I do. I repeat back to her the stories she’s told me about his short life, and she shakes her head. “Did I tell you that, really? It was so long ago, like another lifetime…”

It didn’t used to be like this. In one way, my mother’s whole life has revolved around the loss of this one dear son. But now, so much has faded in focus for her, and so I have become, of my own volition, The Memory Keeper’s Daughter.

I know that Patrick’s name will someday—perhaps with the passage of only one more generation—be little more than a brief line in a family tree. A line with no branches descending beneath it. Someday, perhaps one of my own grandchildren will take up an interest in family history and ask about the little boy without a story.

Will the Baby’s First Christmas stocking hang on a tree somewhere for generations to come? Or will the threads finally disintegrate like a mother’s fragile mind? I think I know the truth, but it’s hard to face it.

There are some things I’ll take with me to the grave, but I can still hope my brother’s memory isn’t one of them.

Posted by Katy on 03/26/08 at 12:53 PM
Fallible Comments...
  1. Oh Kathy! This is one of the most beautiful and heart wrenching posts I have ever read. My eyes filled with tears as I thought back to my son's first Christmas just a few months earlier. Thank you for sharing your heart, it touched mine. Angela
    Posted by Angela  on  03/26/08  at  04:45 PM
  2. Beautiful post, Katy. And I can only imagine how much you are looking forward to meeting Patrick in heaven.
    Posted by Carrie K.  on  03/27/08  at  01:34 PM
  3. Wow, Katy. Beautiful post.
    Posted by Kathryn Harris  on  03/27/08  at  03:40 PM
  4. Katy,

    I just found your blog tonight, and it's wonderful. This post really struck me, as I can relate in a different way. My older brother committed suicide 2 years ago at the age of 40. He had no kids, and few friends after a life battling addiction and bipolar. I wonder who will remember him, how will he be remembered on this earth beyond our family photographs. My kids' memories will fail, and as you said, what happens in 1 or 2 generations? Thank you for putting something so beautifully in words that I could never express. You have a new follower!
    Posted by Jeannine  on  03/28/08  at  12:41 AM
  5. Angela--Those sons are precious, aren't they? Blessings to you as you love him with a mother's heart!

    Carrie K--I will be SO THRILLED to finally know my big brother!

    Kathryn--Bless you....

    Jeannine--Your story moved me to tears. Thank you for sharing it. I am praying for you as you hold your brother's memory near and dear....
    Posted by Katy  on  04/02/08  at  11:05 PM
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