Tacky Home Repairs 101

Some of you may be relatively new to home ownership. You may have heard that keeping up with all the maintenance will end up costing you everything you’ve got, that it will eat up the home equity you want to be building to the point that you might as well rent and save yourselves the heartache.

But there are others like me out there, I’m guessing. Older, more experienced, worldly-wise home owners. Those who’ve come to realize that you can live your whole lives in a house and manage to never figure out how to do even the simplest tasks.

Doug and I are having company for dinner tonight, and I’m afraid I’m digging too deeply today. Do you know what I’m talking about? I should be doing a once-over, and instead I’m pulling out all the stops—actually removing items from shelves instead of dusting around them, vacuuming the upholstery, and paying more attention to grout than a woman my age should have to.

I needed an Ibuprofen and Starbucks break, and Doug was more than happy to join me for a ride down the road. As we left the house, I noticed the bottom piece of a downspout had become detached during last night’s storm. It lay there on the walk, and out of its middle poured what looked like the remains of a bird’s nest.

“You haven’t cleaned the gutters for years,” I said, matter-of-factly.

“I have, too,” he answered.

“Doug, look.” I pointed to the twig and straw clog. “That’s why the water pours in front of the door when it shouldn’t, and off the corners of the roof instead of through the gutters. You need to clean the gutters…”

“I clean the gutters almost every year,” he said. “Well, maybe not last year. But the gutters are not the problem.”

I have to admit I get a little thrill when he uses his authoritative voice.

“So what’s the problem?”

“The downspouts. I don’t get to them quite as often.”

Right.

On the way to retrieve our drinks, I mentioned for the umpteenth time in a very non-nagging kind of way that both sinks in our master bathroom are completely clogged, to the point that it’s becoming challenging to run water for even an abbreviated tooth-brushing.

“But you can’t take them apart today,” I said, “because I’ve already cleaned in there, and I don’t want it messed up again.”

“I understand,” he said, and really that’s the thing I love best about him, you know? He’s so wonderfully understanding. “Try to remember to remind me sometime when the sinks are already filthy, OK?”

Isn’t he the best?

We got home with our iced Americanos just now. Iced because I’m working up a serious sweat and while it’s more than pleasant outside, it’s stuffy as all get-out in here. Why? Because the shutter door of our attic fan will not stay open, so the fan is doing us no good whatsoever.

I heard a home-repair-talk-show guy addressing this very problem a few weeks ago. He said it’s because the vents on top of the roof are clogged up. Why am I not surprised? Apparently, Clogs Backwards R Us.

Doug has already tried sticking the long tube from the inside of a roll of wrapping paper into the shutter, forcing it open. Last week, when he used this method, I actually caught a brief breeze. Turns out it wasn’t because of Doug’s handiwork, though. Just a passing tornado.

I decided to forget the gutters (I mean downspouts, of course…) and sinks and concentrate my limited powers of pursuasion on trying to catch a cool breath.

“Try to get the fan going for me, will you?” I asked.

The next thing I knew he appeared before the open window in our bedroom, where I was huffing and puffing my way through a dusting regimen. He held his hand in front of the window to brag.

“Hey, babe,” he said, “the attic fan is pulling air really well now.”

“You fixed it that fast?” I said. “Wow! I’m really impressed.” I believe in giving praise where praise is due, after all.

“Yeah, I doubled up on the tubes and that did the trick.”

It figures.

Posted by Katy on 03/31/06 at 10:48 AM

Fallible Comments...

Before I could finish this entry, Doug came in to say that our son Scotty and his wife Brooke just called. They've closed on their very first house, and wanted to share the excitement with us!!! Brooke, call me sometime, OK? :)
Posted by Katy on 03/31/06 at 11:18 AM
i had to laugh as soon as i started reading this post because scott has said that he thinks he will enjoy cleaning out the gutters. i think he might like the idea of it but as soon as he does it once it won't get done for another three years. believe me, i know what i am getting myself into. and i am very glad that i know how to unclog a sink and do minor maintenance work myself thanks to my dad.
Posted by brooke on 03/31/06 at 02:19 PM
Brookie--You think unclogging a sink is MINOR??? Clogged sinks are the bane of our existence. Along with, of course, clogged downspouts, clogged hoses leading to the dishwasher which I haven't been able to use for 11 years, and clogged septic tanks. That's a fun one. You don't notice how bad it is, though, until you stick two empty wrapping paper tubes in the shutter thingie of the attic fan and pull in all that nice, fresh air. Ahhhh! Doh! Major congrats to you and my Number One Son on such a huge milestone! We are thrilled for you!
Posted by Katy on 03/31/06 at 02:43 PM
“Doug, look.” I pointed to the twig and straw clog. “That’s why the water pours in front of the door when it shouldn’t, and off the corners of the roof instead of through the gutters. You need to clean the gutters...”

I am a former gutter man; proficient in the art form of gutter removal and installation. Even possessing the sweet skill of gutter guard installation and not to mention the ability to fasten a 50 ft 6 inch steel without the aid of another - even 30 ft up. So now that I've established my expertise; exposing the metaphorical hair on my currently bare chest, let me say this:

I hate cleaning out gutters. Removing them is even worse. Imagine a cold and windy fall winding down to, what appears to be a dead winter. Imagine showing up to a project and finding the gutters have not been cleaned in years. As you shimmy up on a second rate wooden ladder feeling like a Ben Folds Five song, it suddenly occurs to you: You have no insurance, you are doing a three man job by yourself. To add to it, a recent rain has moistened the organic arrangement clogging the gutter.

I can deal with no insurance and I don’t mind being by myself but what I cannot stand is the latter. There is little difference between sticking your head in the Johnny-on-the spot at the annual chili eating contest and smell of a wet clogged gutter. It’s like the gutters are the colon and intestines of a house. When stuff gets clogged, it stinks.

Quick digression: When I took an EMT course, the instructor told a story of a gentleman who was picked up at a nursing home when he became septic and went into cardiac arrest. When the ambulance arrived they started CPR. According to the medic performing mouth to mouth, the aged man’s breath “smelled like shit.” He was being literal and that is the sad part. Apparently, this poor man had been as constipated as a morphine addict taking anti-diarrheics.

As the intestines compacted, the brown goodness moved higher and higher up the digestive system, until he was literally so stopped up that something within him ruptured. Poop ended up filling up his stomach so much so that it could be smelled out of his breath. Poor man. Poor poor poor man! Just think about it…he goes to work and has to perform mouth to mouth on a pooped-breath man!

Oh yeah, I feel bad for the old guy to.

Back to clogged gutters.

Since gutters used to be put in by preset steel nails (instead of the easily removable position-customizable screws of the modern era) you literally have to pry the gutter from the facia board. Usually, you can sit on the roof and hit the gutter at an angle directly over the nail and it will pop it out. It is harder to do this if the angle of the roof is to steep to sit because, as you can imagine, hitting at the appropriate angle is next to impossible from the ladder.

The day I was passively describing above had such a roof. To complicate things (other than the smelly debris that would fly all over my face every time I hit the gutters) it occurred to me that half the gutter had been replaced with modern-era aluminum but the other half was ancient steel.

The problem with aluminum is that it has a weeker holding power than what is required to remove the nail from the facia board. The steel holds strong on the other hand.

So there I was, in front of a house by myself on a cold day smelling like poo. Half the gutter had been removed but it was still attached to the other half (blocking the front door of the house). The exposed nails peeked from the facia board reminding me that my accomplishment of getting the first half down, was incomplete. Oh, did I mention that my boss (who was supposed to meet me there but instead went to church - he's a good baptist) had not been paying me overtime, did not take taxes out, made me sign a paper saying that I have never, and will never take out worker’s compensation in the event of a job related injury. Did I mention that I smelled like poo?

Looking at my failures I felt like crying from frustration and anger, but alas poor Yorik, the sky beat me to it. As the rain started to pour I decided it was time to find a new job. I still feel kind of bad for the people who came home to find their front door blocked and half their gutter hanging down. But then again, the story has become an infinite jest for me.

All of this to Say:

Doug Raymond, make sure you clean out your gutters or your intestines could burst making your breath smell like poo.

Wait a sec...
Posted by Daniel on 03/31/06 at 03:40 PM
I don't know when I've laughed so hard!!! :)

Doug says now I'm going to get all the traffic from google-searchers who key in the word "poo." He's not much for home maintenance, but he IS web savvy....
Posted by Katy on 03/31/06 at 03:55 PM
I can't remember the last time it was so theraputic to write the word poo.

I copy and pasted this to my blog-site.
Posted by Daniel on 03/31/06 at 04:02 PM
It's good to have a mixture of poo-searching googlers, mothers, ice-rink managers, and less-than perfect home owners. It is a melting pot of flavor here on fallible. For sizzle.
Posted by Daniel on 03/31/06 at 04:07 PM
katy, it's heartening to know i'm not the only semi-rural chick who hasn't been able to use her dishwasher for some years :).
and congrats on your first house, brooke! hope you guys are happy and well.
Posted by lisa on 03/31/06 at 11:25 PM
(skipping right over poo-gutters...)

I think the scariest part of homeownership comes after at least ten years of home-ownership. We've had ours about 14 or 15 years (why can I never remember exactly which year it was that we bought it?). Somehow things are mysteriously beginning to decay... early this week I thought that the cat had begun to go psycho and pee on the carpet in our master bathroom. Two nights in a row! After I had decided that I was going to just close the door to our bathroom tightly every night and wondering where else in the house I might then find wet spots, I finally realized that there was a leak under the sink!! The rug on the floor had soaked up the leak for at least two days... Is it fixed now? No - the cold water to both the sinks in the master bathroom is shut off...

Congratulations to your son and daughter-in-law for joining the ranks of the home-owned!

oops - did I make a typo? :)
Posted by Chris(tine) on 03/31/06 at 11:36 PM
Lisa--Thank you for lumping me in with the "chicks." I don't know why, but that gave me a very warm feeling.... :)

Chris(tine)--Home-owned! Good one!
You are right about ten years, especially if you move into a new house. We built this one, and moved in 11 1/2 years ago. We nearly DIED last year at the amount of money we sank into maintenance. Furnace, A/C, newly built gravel driveway with better culverts, roof repairs, garage doors--and on and on. "Planned obsolescence" makes me do darned mad! Nearly every expensive appliance you buy guarantees it won't make it past the ten year mark. The house I grew up in still has the furnace and A/C that were put in the year my baby sister was born, 39 years ago. They work perfectly....
Posted by Katy on 04/01/06 at 08:27 AM
I identify with your housecleaning frenzy. Bob just put together two cabinets for my computer room. Now all I have to do is rearrange the books, dust, and clear out some of the excess.

This is from a reply at Wordsmith that came in the email this morning. I am trying to keep it in mind as I clean.
(Not doing well since I am typing this instead of working.)

"I read a description this past year of the Amish and their work ethic. Each task that is set before them is taken on with quiet delight. There is no
hurrying through to get to the next task, to cross off one more item from a long things 'to do' list. They apply themselves, focusing deeply, pleased to do what they are doing well. With my harried life, with our harried lives,
we would all do well to take this lesson to heart. Take pleasure in doing one thing well, pare down the endless 'to do' list and focus on the task at hand.
Posted by Maria on 04/01/06 at 04:29 PM
Maria--Thank you for the Amish description. I admire their way of life so much, but I don't emulate it at all! I'm overrun with stuff, tasks, and an overactive thought life.

However, Doug did get the two bathroom sinks unplugged!!! Very thrilling progress.
Posted by Katy on 04/06/06 at 10:41 AM

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Personal blog of christian writer & fallible mom Katy McKenna Raymond in Kansas City, Missouri Katy is represented by Greg Johnson at WordServe Literary Read more Katy at LateBoomer.net Follow Katy on Twitter Follow Katy on Facebook 123 Recent Posts Try Becoming Brenda Starr Off Beat Scattered That’s It So I’ve Finally Signed With An Agent. Now What? The Spoon Sciatica Sweetheart A Woman’s Train of Thought Has No Caboose However much we own, we are all still living on borrowed time After all, when restaurants shrink portions, they don’t shrink prices. As with everything in life, balance is key. Slow down, you move too fast… Yeah, I know. I have issues. Search Advanced Search Syndicate Login E me at katy @ ngenius.com	Tacky Home Repairs 101 Some of you may be relatively new to home ownership. You may have heard that keeping up with all the maintenance will end up costing you everything you’ve got, that it will eat up the home equity you want to be building to the point that you might as well rent and save yourselves the heartache. But there are others like me out there, I’m guessing. Older, more experienced, worldly-wise home owners. Those who’ve come to realize that you can live your whole lives in a house and manage to never figure out how to do even the simplest tasks. Doug and I are having company for dinner tonight, and I’m afraid I’m digging too deeply today. Do you know what I’m talking about? I should be doing a once-over, and instead I’m pulling out all the stops—actually removing items from shelves instead of dusting around them, vacuuming the upholstery, and paying more attention to grout than a woman my age should have to. I needed an Ibuprofen and Starbucks break, and Doug was more than happy to join me for a ride down the road. As we left the house, I noticed the bottom piece of a downspout had become detached during last night’s storm. It lay there on the walk, and out of its middle poured what looked like the remains of a bird’s nest. “You haven’t cleaned the gutters for years,” I said, matter-of-factly. “I have, too,” he answered. “Doug, look.” I pointed to the twig and straw clog. “That’s why the water pours in front of the door when it shouldn’t, and off the corners of the roof instead of through the gutters. You need to clean the gutters…” “I clean the gutters almost every year,” he said. “Well, maybe not last year. But the gutters are not the problem.” I have to admit I get a little thrill when he uses his authoritative voice. “So what’s the problem?” “The downspouts. I don’t get to them quite as often.” Right. On the way to retrieve our drinks, I mentioned for the umpteenth time in a very non-nagging kind of way that both sinks in our master bathroom are completely clogged, to the point that it’s becoming challenging to run water for even an abbreviated tooth-brushing. “But you can’t take them apart today,” I said, “because I’ve already cleaned in there, and I don’t want it messed up again.” “I understand,” he said, and really that’s the thing I love best about him, you know? He’s so wonderfully understanding. “Try to remember to remind me sometime when the sinks are already filthy, OK?” Isn’t he the best? We got home with our iced Americanos just now. Iced because I’m working up a serious sweat and while it’s more than pleasant outside, it’s stuffy as all get-out in here. Why? Because the shutter door of our attic fan will not stay open, so the fan is doing us no good whatsoever. I heard a home-repair-talk-show guy addressing this very problem a few weeks ago. He said it’s because the vents on top of the roof are clogged up. Why am I not surprised? Apparently, Clogs Backwards R Us. Doug has already tried sticking the long tube from the inside of a roll of wrapping paper into the shutter, forcing it open. Last week, when he used this method, I actually caught a brief breeze. Turns out it wasn’t because of Doug’s handiwork, though. Just a passing tornado. I decided to forget the gutters (I mean downspouts, of course…) and sinks and concentrate my limited powers of pursuasion on trying to catch a cool breath. “Try to get the fan going for me, will you?” I asked. The next thing I knew he appeared before the open window in our bedroom, where I was huffing and puffing my way through a dusting regimen. He held his hand in front of the window to brag. “Hey, babe,” he said, “the attic fan is pulling air really well now.” “You fixed it that fast?” I said. “Wow! I’m really impressed.” I believe in giving praise where praise is due, after all. “Yeah, I doubled up on the tubes and that did the trick.” It figures. Posted by Katy on 03/31/06 at 10:48 AM Fallible Comments... Before I could finish this entry, Doug came in to say that our son Scotty and his wife Brooke just called. They've closed on their very first house, and wanted to share the excitement with us!!! Brooke, call me sometime, OK? :) Posted by Katy on 03/31/06 at 11:18 AM i had to laugh as soon as i started reading this post because scott has said that he thinks he will enjoy cleaning out the gutters. i think he might like the idea of it but as soon as he does it once it won't get done for another three years. believe me, i know what i am getting myself into. and i am very glad that i know how to unclog a sink and do minor maintenance work myself thanks to my dad. Posted by brooke on 03/31/06 at 02:19 PM Brookie--You think unclogging a sink is MINOR??? Clogged sinks are the bane of our existence. Along with, of course, clogged downspouts, clogged hoses leading to the dishwasher which I haven't been able to use for 11 years, and clogged septic tanks. That's a fun one. You don't notice how bad it is, though, until you stick two empty wrapping paper tubes in the shutter thingie of the attic fan and pull in all that nice, fresh air. Ahhhh! Doh! Major congrats to you and my Number One Son on such a huge milestone! We are thrilled for you! Posted by Katy on 03/31/06 at 02:43 PM “Doug, look.” I pointed to the twig and straw clog. “That’s why the water pours in front of the door when it shouldn’t, and off the corners of the roof instead of through the gutters. You need to clean the gutters...” I am a former gutter man; proficient in the art form of gutter removal and installation. Even possessing the sweet skill of gutter guard installation and not to mention the ability to fasten a 50 ft 6 inch steel without the aid of another - even 30 ft up. So now that I've established my expertise; exposing the metaphorical hair on my currently bare chest, let me say this: I hate cleaning out gutters. Removing them is even worse. Imagine a cold and windy fall winding down to, what appears to be a dead winter. Imagine showing up to a project and finding the gutters have not been cleaned in years. As you shimmy up on a second rate wooden ladder feeling like a Ben Folds Five song, it suddenly occurs to you: You have no insurance, you are doing a three man job by yourself. To add to it, a recent rain has moistened the organic arrangement clogging the gutter. I can deal with no insurance and I don’t mind being by myself but what I cannot stand is the latter. There is little difference between sticking your head in the Johnny-on-the spot at the annual chili eating contest and smell of a wet clogged gutter. It’s like the gutters are the colon and intestines of a house. When stuff gets clogged, it stinks. Quick digression: When I took an EMT course, the instructor told a story of a gentleman who was picked up at a nursing home when he became septic and went into cardiac arrest. When the ambulance arrived they started CPR. According to the medic performing mouth to mouth, the aged man’s breath “smelled like shit.” He was being literal and that is the sad part. Apparently, this poor man had been as constipated as a morphine addict taking anti-diarrheics. As the intestines compacted, the brown goodness moved higher and higher up the digestive system, until he was literally so stopped up that something within him ruptured. Poop ended up filling up his stomach so much so that it could be smelled out of his breath. Poor man. Poor poor poor man! Just think about it…he goes to work and has to perform mouth to mouth on a pooped-breath man! Oh yeah, I feel bad for the old guy to. Back to clogged gutters. Since gutters used to be put in by preset steel nails (instead of the easily removable position-customizable screws of the modern era) you literally have to pry the gutter from the facia board. Usually, you can sit on the roof and hit the gutter at an angle directly over the nail and it will pop it out. It is harder to do this if the angle of the roof is to steep to sit because, as you can imagine, hitting at the appropriate angle is next to impossible from the ladder. The day I was passively describing above had such a roof. To complicate things (other than the smelly debris that would fly all over my face every time I hit the gutters) it occurred to me that half the gutter had been replaced with modern-era aluminum but the other half was ancient steel. The problem with aluminum is that it has a weeker holding power than what is required to remove the nail from the facia board. The steel holds strong on the other hand. So there I was, in front of a house by myself on a cold day smelling like poo. Half the gutter had been removed but it was still attached to the other half (blocking the front door of the house). The exposed nails peeked from the facia board reminding me that my accomplishment of getting the first half down, was incomplete. Oh, did I mention that my boss (who was supposed to meet me there but instead went to church - he's a good baptist) had not been paying me overtime, did not take taxes out, made me sign a paper saying that I have never, and will never take out worker’s compensation in the event of a job related injury. Did I mention that I smelled like poo? Looking at my failures I felt like crying from frustration and anger, but alas poor Yorik, the sky beat me to it. As the rain started to pour I decided it was time to find a new job. I still feel kind of bad for the people who came home to find their front door blocked and half their gutter hanging down. But then again, the story has become an infinite jest for me. All of this to Say: Doug Raymond, make sure you clean out your gutters or your intestines could burst making your breath smell like poo. Wait a sec... Posted by Daniel on 03/31/06 at 03:40 PM I don't know when I've laughed so hard!!! :) Doug says now I'm going to get all the traffic from google-searchers who key in the word "poo." He's not much for home maintenance, but he IS web savvy.... Posted by Katy on 03/31/06 at 03:55 PM I can't remember the last time it was so theraputic to write the word poo. I copy and pasted this to my blog-site. Posted by Daniel on 03/31/06 at 04:02 PM It's good to have a mixture of poo-searching googlers, mothers, ice-rink managers, and less-than perfect home owners. It is a melting pot of flavor here on fallible. For sizzle. Posted by Daniel on 03/31/06 at 04:07 PM katy, it's heartening to know i'm not the only semi-rural chick who hasn't been able to use her dishwasher for some years :). and congrats on your first house, brooke! hope you guys are happy and well. Posted by lisa on 03/31/06 at 11:25 PM (skipping right over poo-gutters...) I think the scariest part of homeownership comes after at least ten years of home-ownership. We've had ours about 14 or 15 years (why can I never remember exactly which year it was that we bought it?). Somehow things are mysteriously beginning to decay... early this week I thought that the cat had begun to go psycho and pee on the carpet in our master bathroom. Two nights in a row! After I had decided that I was going to just close the door to our bathroom tightly every night and wondering where else in the house I might then find wet spots, I finally realized that there was a leak under the sink!! The rug on the floor had soaked up the leak for at least two days... Is it fixed now? No - the cold water to both the sinks in the master bathroom is shut off... Congratulations to your son and daughter-in-law for joining the ranks of the home-owned! oops - did I make a typo? :) Posted by Chris(tine) on 03/31/06 at 11:36 PM Lisa--Thank you for lumping me in with the "chicks." I don't know why, but that gave me a very warm feeling.... :) Chris(tine)--Home-owned! Good one! You are right about ten years, especially if you move into a new house. We built this one, and moved in 11 1/2 years ago. We nearly DIED last year at the amount of money we sank into maintenance. Furnace, A/C, newly built gravel driveway with better culverts, roof repairs, garage doors--and on and on. "Planned obsolescence" makes me do darned mad! Nearly every expensive appliance you buy guarantees it won't make it past the ten year mark. The house I grew up in still has the furnace and A/C that were put in the year my baby sister was born, 39 years ago. They work perfectly.... Posted by Katy on 04/01/06 at 08:27 AM I identify with your housecleaning frenzy. Bob just put together two cabinets for my computer room. Now all I have to do is rearrange the books, dust, and clear out some of the excess. This is from a reply at Wordsmith that came in the email this morning. I am trying to keep it in mind as I clean. (Not doing well since I am typing this instead of working.) "I read a description this past year of the Amish and their work ethic. Each task that is set before them is taken on with quiet delight. There is no hurrying through to get to the next task, to cross off one more item from a long things 'to do' list. They apply themselves, focusing deeply, pleased to do what they are doing well. With my harried life, with our harried lives, we would all do well to take this lesson to heart. Take pleasure in doing one thing well, pare down the endless 'to do' list and focus on the task at hand. Posted by Maria on 04/01/06 at 04:29 PM Maria--Thank you for the Amish description. I admire their way of life so much, but I don't emulate it at all! I'm overrun with stuff, tasks, and an overactive thought life. However, Doug did get the two bathroom sinks unplugged!!! Very thrilling progress. Posted by Katy on 04/06/06 at 10:41 AM Page 1 of 1 pages Commenting is not available in this weblog entry. Next entry: Thanks To My Scottish Father Previous entry: Reverting To The Mean? << Back to main


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Personal blog of christianwriter & fallible momKaty McKenna Raymondin Kansas City, Missouri

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Tacky Home Repairs 101

Personal blog of christian
writer & fallible mom
Katy McKenna Raymond
in Kansas City, Missouri