Losing Is Easy, Maintenance Downright Impossible

Back in the day, and by that I mean before all of our personal information began being available to anyone at the click of a mouse, I enjoyed my freedom.

By freedom you may think I mean the freedom to view, write, comment upon, and think stuff that doesn't make my name automatically appear way too high on a google search--like happens if I key in the names of various articles of underwear, adult diapers, and glycerin suppositories.

But that kind of nonsense doesn't worry me a bit.

What's been getting me down recently are the constant reminders--whether in snail mail, voice mail, or email--advising me of the myriad of "regularly scheduled maintenance" stuff I'm suddenly expected to accomplish.

When we were first married, the only way we remembered to change the oil in our little Gremlin was when we ran it out of oil altogether and cracked the block. Now THAT'S a reminder system! If there was a dummy light, we were too dumb to notice it, or we didn't have ten bucks to get the oil changed, or both. Let's just say back then we took a lot of crazy chances.

These days, instead of an old-fashioned dummy light that looked like Aladdin's lamp and always reminded me of I Dream of Jeanie, a flashing word picture irritates the dashboard, warning us to "Change Oil Soon!" And while the darned thing is flashing, it's also dinging, which is so annoying that it makes the passive-aggressive in me want to dye my hair blond, dress up in harem pants, and disappear into my lamp for a very long time.

But I don't. Because I'm not the kind of chick who indulges in avoidance behaviors. So instead I collect coupons and letters and emails from the Saturn dealership and the Valvoline joint and the Jiffy Lube, all letting me know that I am WAY overdue for my regularly scheduled maintenance on my three vehicles. When the second warnings from each of them come, there's usually a further discount offered on the services which I am delinquent in scheduling, so I hold out.

Of course, holding out carries its own set of risks. Something serious--not normally included in my regularly scheduled maintenance--often happens as a punishment for my tardiness, but it's worth playing the game. Have I mentioned I come from a family of gamblers?

If it was only three cars for which I had to provide regularly-scheduled maintenance, I'd have it made. Even adding up all the time and money it takes for oil changes, replacing tires as needed, servicing the brakes, changing the windshield wipers, topping off the fluids, and getting Missouri state inspections and license plates, I'd still have enough energy left over to actually go somewhere.

But, as I'm sure you've noticed by now, it's not just about the cars anymore.

What about our several computers? How often are we advised to maintain them by running anti-virus programs, upgrading software, and backing up files to goodness knows how many different safer locations?

When I have to purchase a new appliance of any kind, the first thing I do with the manual of instructions--which usually says something in bold across the front like DO NOT MISPLACE THESE CRITICAL PAPERS! IF YOU FAIL IN ANY POINT TO PERFORM REGULARLY SCHEDULED MAINTENANCE, THIS WARRENTY IS AUTOMATICALLY VOID!--is to file it somewhere where I will never find it again in my natural lifetime.

Otherwise, I'll have to actually read and feel responsible for vacuuming behind the grate thingy on the bottom of the front of the refrigerator ONCE PER MONTH! (If there's anyone in my reading audience who has ever vacuumed behind the grate thingy, please leave me a comment. I want names, people!)

Who has time for stuff like this? Especially when it's officially chain-saw season and we have the winter's ice storms to clean up after? Do you know that chain saw afficionados (who differ from chain saw owners in that they actually perform regularly scheduled maintenance on their chain saws) adjust the tension on their chains and do something else involving oil before EACH USE of their chain saws? And that this project might take as much time as actually accomplishing the duty for which the chain saw was purchased?

But it's not just the stuff that needs to be on a program of scheduled maintenance anymore--it's the stuff's owners. That's right. These days, I get emails and postcards from my dentist, who thinks I'm a total slacker, and my doctor, who can't believe I've put off the joys of a naked lady exam for upwards of eighteen months.

And do you know that once you hit the age of 50, the rest of your life will be consumed with nothing but regularly scheduled colonoscopies, bone scans, stress echocardiograms, urinalysis, blood work, and tests for glaucoma and cataracts?

And that while you're regularly falling apart, your life insurance guy and your car insurance lady and your health insurance agent will be wanting to meet annually to update your policies to "reflect the way you live your life now"?

What life? Just when I think I'm going to blow this regularly-scheduled-maintenance pop stand and go out for a relaxing dinner and a movie, I remember my debit card got turned down by our regularly-scheduled exterminator.

Of all the things I've failed to maintain, I miss my balanced checkbook the most.

Posted by Katy on 03/17/05 at 08:17 PM

Fallible Comments...

When I was growing up we had to take the front grate off the bottom of the fridge regularly and dump the pan of water that was inside. We would vacuum while we had the thing open.

I am guilty of vacuuming the front of the grate now because we have cats and their hair tends to collect there (might be due to the sticky residue of spilled food that wasn't cleaned up over the years but I'm not admitting that). However I haven't taken the grate off to look inside. This is an old house and an old fridge and frankly it kinda scares me.

-----
Posted by edieraye on 03/18/05 at 04:57 AM
i didn't even know you were supposed to vacuum behind the grate thing on a refrigerator. so there.
Posted by brooke on 03/18/05 at 05:16 AM
Just wanted to remind you to make sure you are backing up your hard drive and doing your software updates on your iMac...

lol...

-Brandon
Posted by Brandon Edling on 03/18/05 at 08:53 AM
Back before I met Amy, I had a brief interlude of lunacy I refer to usually as "the beta wife."
She was from a wealthy family (that stuff about it's just as easy to marry rich is right...staying married to someone who is rich...that is what they don't tell you.) Anyway she had a fancy little sportscar for the time a Datsun (Nissan?)280Z which was one of the first "talking cars."

It would say, "a door is ajar" and I would say "no a door is a door" as I slammed the stupid door closed again...but the worst thing was when it said, "Windshield washer fluid is low...Windshield washer fluid is low...Windshield washer fluid is low...Windshield washer fluid is low...Windshield washer fluid is low...Windshield washer fluid is low...Windshield washer fluid is low..."

I sold that car and was almost as happy that day as the day I got rid of the beta wife.

-m
Posted by Michael Main on 03/18/05 at 01:42 PM
There's a grate on the front of my fridge? Who knew? You crack me up!
Posted by Carrie K. on 03/18/05 at 08:27 PM
I cleaned behind the grate of the fridge once ... and I tell you, DON'T DO IT. By removing the grate, I broke a piece of plastic that it needs to stay on right. For the past 10 years, I've had a half-hanging grate on my fridge. It's been the cause of many late-night curses (shh) when I stub my toe on it while opening the fridge in the dark.
Posted by Lori Seaborg on 03/19/05 at 03:05 AM
Isn't there anything to the idea that because I've had the fridge for almost 16 years without cleaning behind the grate that if I clean it now, I'll just mess something up?

Why risk confusing the refridgerator? It has run beautifully all these years without any help from me. The fridge doens't WANT me to clean behind the grate; it's happy the way it is.

Thanks so much for your blog; I really enjoy it!
Posted by Kim M on 03/21/05 at 07:56 PM
You all crack me up! I think that in general, younger women are in denial about there even BEING a grate, and older women believe in the old axiom, "Let's just leave well enough alone." I, for one, would NEVER clean behind the grate, especially since the fridge has grown accustomed to functioning without the supposed necessary cleaning. Now, whatever substances have accumulated behind said grate must be providing a cohesive property to the appliance without which it would surely expire.

But here's another little domestic question for you: Did you know the little knobs on your stove that turn on the burners are removeable so that you can clean them, and clean behind them? I didn't know that until I was 40!!!!
Posted by Katy Raymond on 03/21/05 at 09:03 PM

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Personal blog of christian writer & fallible mom Katy McKenna Raymond in Kansas City, Missouri Katy is represented by Greg Johnson at WordServe Literary Read more Katy at LateBoomer.net Follow Katy on Twitter Follow Katy on Facebook 123 Recent Posts Try Becoming Brenda Starr Off Beat Scattered That’s It So I’ve Finally Signed With An Agent. Now What? The Spoon Sciatica Sweetheart A Woman’s Train of Thought Has No Caboose However much we own, we are all still living on borrowed time After all, when restaurants shrink portions, they don’t shrink prices. As with everything in life, balance is key. Slow down, you move too fast… Yeah, I know. I have issues. Search Advanced Search Syndicate Login E me at katy @ ngenius.com	Losing Is Easy, Maintenance Downright Impossible Back in the day, and by that I mean before all of our personal information began being available to anyone at the click of a mouse, I enjoyed my freedom. By freedom you may think I mean the freedom to view, write, comment upon, and think stuff that doesn't make my name automatically appear way too high on a google search--like happens if I key in the names of various articles of underwear, adult diapers, and glycerin suppositories. But that kind of nonsense doesn't worry me a bit. What's been getting me down recently are the constant reminders--whether in snail mail, voice mail, or email--advising me of the myriad of "regularly scheduled maintenance" stuff I'm suddenly expected to accomplish. When we were first married, the only way we remembered to change the oil in our little Gremlin was when we ran it out of oil altogether and cracked the block. Now THAT'S a reminder system! If there was a dummy light, we were too dumb to notice it, or we didn't have ten bucks to get the oil changed, or both. Let's just say back then we took a lot of crazy chances. These days, instead of an old-fashioned dummy light that looked like Aladdin's lamp and always reminded me of I Dream of Jeanie, a flashing word picture irritates the dashboard, warning us to "Change Oil Soon!" And while the darned thing is flashing, it's also dinging, which is so annoying that it makes the passive-aggressive in me want to dye my hair blond, dress up in harem pants, and disappear into my lamp for a very long time. But I don't. Because I'm not the kind of chick who indulges in avoidance behaviors. So instead I collect coupons and letters and emails from the Saturn dealership and the Valvoline joint and the Jiffy Lube, all letting me know that I am WAY overdue for my regularly scheduled maintenance on my three vehicles. When the second warnings from each of them come, there's usually a further discount offered on the services which I am delinquent in scheduling, so I hold out. Of course, holding out carries its own set of risks. Something serious--not normally included in my regularly scheduled maintenance--often happens as a punishment for my tardiness, but it's worth playing the game. Have I mentioned I come from a family of gamblers? If it was only three cars for which I had to provide regularly-scheduled maintenance, I'd have it made. Even adding up all the time and money it takes for oil changes, replacing tires as needed, servicing the brakes, changing the windshield wipers, topping off the fluids, and getting Missouri state inspections and license plates, I'd still have enough energy left over to actually go somewhere. But, as I'm sure you've noticed by now, it's not just about the cars anymore. What about our several computers? How often are we advised to maintain them by running anti-virus programs, upgrading software, and backing up files to goodness knows how many different safer locations? When I have to purchase a new appliance of any kind, the first thing I do with the manual of instructions--which usually says something in bold across the front like DO NOT MISPLACE THESE CRITICAL PAPERS! IF YOU FAIL IN ANY POINT TO PERFORM REGULARLY SCHEDULED MAINTENANCE, THIS WARRENTY IS AUTOMATICALLY VOID!--is to file it somewhere where I will never find it again in my natural lifetime. Otherwise, I'll have to actually read and feel responsible for vacuuming behind the grate thingy on the bottom of the front of the refrigerator ONCE PER MONTH! (If there's anyone in my reading audience who has ever vacuumed behind the grate thingy, please leave me a comment. I want names, people!) Who has time for stuff like this? Especially when it's officially chain-saw season and we have the winter's ice storms to clean up after? Do you know that chain saw afficionados (who differ from chain saw owners in that they actually perform regularly scheduled maintenance on their chain saws) adjust the tension on their chains and do something else involving oil before EACH USE of their chain saws? And that this project might take as much time as actually accomplishing the duty for which the chain saw was purchased? But it's not just the stuff that needs to be on a program of scheduled maintenance anymore--it's the stuff's owners. That's right. These days, I get emails and postcards from my dentist, who thinks I'm a total slacker, and my doctor, who can't believe I've put off the joys of a naked lady exam for upwards of eighteen months. And do you know that once you hit the age of 50, the rest of your life will be consumed with nothing but regularly scheduled colonoscopies, bone scans, stress echocardiograms, urinalysis, blood work, and tests for glaucoma and cataracts? And that while you're regularly falling apart, your life insurance guy and your car insurance lady and your health insurance agent will be wanting to meet annually to update your policies to "reflect the way you live your life now"? What life? Just when I think I'm going to blow this regularly-scheduled-maintenance pop stand and go out for a relaxing dinner and a movie, I remember my debit card got turned down by our regularly-scheduled exterminator. Of all the things I've failed to maintain, I miss my balanced checkbook the most. Posted by Katy on 03/17/05 at 08:17 PM Fallible Comments... When I was growing up we had to take the front grate off the bottom of the fridge regularly and dump the pan of water that was inside. We would vacuum while we had the thing open. I am guilty of vacuuming the front of the grate now because we have cats and their hair tends to collect there (might be due to the sticky residue of spilled food that wasn't cleaned up over the years but I'm not admitting that). However I haven't taken the grate off to look inside. This is an old house and an old fridge and frankly it kinda scares me. ----- Posted by edieraye on 03/18/05 at 04:57 AM i didn't even know you were supposed to vacuum behind the grate thing on a refrigerator. so there. Posted by brooke on 03/18/05 at 05:16 AM Just wanted to remind you to make sure you are backing up your hard drive and doing your software updates on your iMac... lol... -Brandon Posted by Brandon Edling on 03/18/05 at 08:53 AM Back before I met Amy, I had a brief interlude of lunacy I refer to usually as "the beta wife." She was from a wealthy family (that stuff about it's just as easy to marry rich is right...staying married to someone who is rich...that is what they don't tell you.) Anyway she had a fancy little sportscar for the time a Datsun (Nissan?)280Z which was one of the first "talking cars." It would say, "a door is ajar" and I would say "no a door is a door" as I slammed the stupid door closed again...but the worst thing was when it said, "Windshield washer fluid is low...Windshield washer fluid is low...Windshield washer fluid is low...Windshield washer fluid is low...Windshield washer fluid is low...Windshield washer fluid is low...Windshield washer fluid is low..." I sold that car and was almost as happy that day as the day I got rid of the beta wife. -m Posted by Michael Main on 03/18/05 at 01:42 PM There's a grate on the front of my fridge? Who knew? You crack me up! Posted by Carrie K. on 03/18/05 at 08:27 PM I cleaned behind the grate of the fridge once ... and I tell you, DON'T DO IT. By removing the grate, I broke a piece of plastic that it needs to stay on right. For the past 10 years, I've had a half-hanging grate on my fridge. It's been the cause of many late-night curses (shh) when I stub my toe on it while opening the fridge in the dark. Posted by Lori Seaborg on 03/19/05 at 03:05 AM Isn't there anything to the idea that because I've had the fridge for almost 16 years without cleaning behind the grate that if I clean it now, I'll just mess something up? Why risk confusing the refridgerator? It has run beautifully all these years without any help from me. The fridge doens't WANT me to clean behind the grate; it's happy the way it is. Thanks so much for your blog; I really enjoy it! Posted by Kim M on 03/21/05 at 07:56 PM You all crack me up! I think that in general, younger women are in denial about there even BEING a grate, and older women believe in the old axiom, "Let's just leave well enough alone." I, for one, would NEVER clean behind the grate, especially since the fridge has grown accustomed to functioning without the supposed necessary cleaning. Now, whatever substances have accumulated behind said grate must be providing a cohesive property to the appliance without which it would surely expire. But here's another little domestic question for you: Did you know the little knobs on your stove that turn on the burners are removeable so that you can clean them, and clean behind them? I didn't know that until I was 40!!!! Posted by Katy Raymond on 03/21/05 at 09:03 PM Page 1 of 1 pages Commenting is not available in this weblog entry. Next entry: Perfect Paddy's Previous entry: How's That Working For You? << Back to main


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Personal blog of christianwriter & fallible momKaty McKenna Raymondin Kansas City, Missouri

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Losing Is Easy, Maintenance Downright Impossible

Personal blog of christian
writer & fallible mom
Katy McKenna Raymond
in Kansas City, Missouri