Just Breathe

"It's all right, my love. It's all right."

Somehow we'd gotten entangled in the bed. Both of us usually sleep on our right sides, with him facing the center of the bed and me facing my edge, but for some reason known only to God, Doug had rolled to his left side. I'd been up to use the bathroom at 4:30, and remember coming back to bed and rolling to my left side, also. So now we were spooning again, only Doug faced the outside of the bed, with me curled around his back.

My voracious dreaming resumed. I dreamed of the first house we lived in, back in 1979. I dreamed of a stranger knocking on the door and when I answered it, there was a sold sign in our yard, even though the place wasn't for sale.

"What's going on?" I asked the man on my front stoop. "You won't be needing this little place anymore," he said, with a cheesy grin and a giant, suitable-for-framing check in his outstretched arms. "You've just won 2.2 million dollars!"

I have such an active dream life, including regular nightmares, that I'm thoroughly attuned to the fact that it's "just a dream" even while I'm in the middle of it. I'm rarely frightened and often so amused by my nocturnal theatrics that I've gotten good at willing myself to stay asleep just a little longer so I can see how things turn out.

In the next dream scene, I had a conversation with a woman I'm close to, and expressed my feelings about a matter of great concern to me. She and I had more than a casual connection--we were lifelong friends. She was someone I could be honest with, I thought, and so I was. "You see?" Her voice turned caustic. "This is why we could never live together. You're just so negative about everything." I didn't see that one coming, and it really hurt, so I switched dream scenes fast.

Enter Gary Piane, my long time friend from grade school. In real life, I run into Gary every once in a while at Starbucks and we catch up with each other's lives. He's the nicest guy in the world, my own husband excluded. In my dream, we met unexpectedly in a gothic church building. I hadn't seen him in many years and he loved my new perm so much that he buried my face in his shoulder and spent an inordinate amount of time rubbing my curly head.

I had the distinct feeling of not being able to breathe, but I knew that with Doug standing right there in the church narthex watching along with God and everybody, the bear hug wouldn't last for long. I was right--it didn't, and I breathed a huge oxygenated gulp of relief.

Suddenly there was only Doug and me sitting next to one another in the back of the church, my head on his shoulder, trying to catch my breath. Then just as suddenly we weren't in the church at all, but at home in our own bed, with me still dreaming, but with a strange difference in the quality of the dream.

And then, as absolutely clearly as if I was awake--because in a very real sense, I was--I realized what was happening. I was suffocating. Somehow, I had wedged my face between Doug's shoulder and the mattress so closely that when he rolled from his left side partially onto his back, I became trapped.

You know how you wake up from certain dreams and the first thing you say is, "Oh, but it seemed so real!" This dream didn't seem real--it was real.

I cannot describe what it's like to be fully asleep and fully awake at the same time, but I know now it can happen. I became rapidly and consciously aware, while asleep, that I could not breathe at all, that whatever air pockets would have normally existed in a situation like ours simply weren't there. It felt as if I was physically trapped by the weight of Doug's body, which I could not push away from mine no matter how I struggled.

And then in my dream--and in real life--I thought, "When Doug is dreaming and he starts breathing really loud, it wakes me up. I must try to breathe loudly enough for him to wake up. Otherwise, I'm going to die."

I tried, both in my dream and in real life, and at first I could make no sound at all.

"You have to do this," I told myself both in my dream and in real life. "If you give up, and you die, Doug will be so upset that he suffocated you."

I knew I had to do it, for him.

So I breathed tiny shallow breaths, with every particle of oxygen left in the space allotted me, and with each inhalation and exhalation I forced miniature wisps of noise from my mouth, until finally Doug rolled away from me and spoke, bringing me fully to my senses.

"It's all right, my love. It's all right."

He thought, of course, that I'd merely been having another nightmare, that he'd awakened me with his words.

Until I told him that, while I was sleeping, I'd awakened him with my gasps.

"I slept, but my heart was awake." Song of Solomon

Posted by Katy on 02/27/05 at 07:27 PM

Fallible Comments...

your dream sounds so gothic :)
-----
Posted by echa on 02/28/05 at 04:33 AM
I'm the same way in my dreams. I know I'm dreaming, but I can choose to let it continue if I want to know how it turns out. I can also change the course if the dream scene is getting too dangerous or icky.

Glad you didn't suffocate. That would've been a bummer all around, eh? ;) I'd have pinched my husband if I couldn't breathe. You're much more subtle.
Posted by Jeanne Damoff on 02/28/05 at 04:09 PM
Echa--I've never thought of my dreams (or myself) as gothic, but then again, there was the gothic church and all.... You may be right!

Jeanne--It was weird. I was too asleep to think logically about using other body parts! Surely I could have scratched, clawed, or pinched my way to oxygen, but those appendages didn't kick in at all. Instead, I remembered how Doug's loud breathing always wakes me up, so I thought turnabout's fair play. Which makes NO SENSE, since his loud breathing doesn't wake HIM up! But God had mercy on me anyway...

It's nice not to be dead before my time! I think I'll have a latte.
Posted by Katy Raymond on 02/28/05 at 04:23 PM
Jeanne--Besides, I committed some posts back to give up nagging my hubby, and I wouldn't want my please-release-me-let-me-breathe pinching to be miscontrued... :)
Posted by Katy Raymond on 02/28/05 at 04:25 PM
I love reading about your relationship with Doug... I'm four months away from getting married and I hope my relationship with my love is just as tender and sweet as yours with Doug.

BTW, your blog put me over the edge and I decided blogging myself. Check out justathought.blogs.com when you get a chance and let me know what you think.

Hope your Mac is running ok! :)
Posted by Brandon Edling on 02/28/05 at 04:36 PM
that is hilarious, what a funny yet dangerous experience!!! you & your husband are sound so sweet!! :) glad you're ok & thanks for making me laugh...HEHE :D
Posted by jane on 03/01/05 at 06:12 PM
A somewhat unpleasant experience, but you had the right idea! That place in between someone else and the furniture is always the warmest spot!
Posted by Kevin on 03/01/05 at 10:24 PM
Brandon--Welcome! Are you a Kansas City guy? I saw your blog's reference to Lawrence.

Jane--Welcome to you, too! I am glad to pass along a goofy chuckle when I can. My guy is the single sweetest man in the world.

Kevin--Usually, I can't stay too close to Doug in the bed because his body temperature seems SO HOT compared to mine. But that night, I must have been cold enough to risk death!
Posted by Katy Raymond on 03/02/05 at 03:18 AM
Brandon--I meant to add that I'm glad we inspired you to blog. With a marriage on the horizon, it's a great time to start. Maybe your fiancee will start one, too. :)
Posted by Katy Raymond on 03/02/05 at 03:37 AM
I'm actually the Brandon you met in the Apple Store, behind the Genius Bar :) It might take some convincing for my fiancee to start blogging, but I can see it happening some day :)
Posted by Brandon Edling on 03/13/05 at 09:26 PM
Brandon-the-Apple-Genius-Bar Brandon? Wow! I meant to call you to tell you that I really did blog about you! Did you scroll down and find it here? It's called "So Many Cults, So Little Time." Well, it MENTIONS you and the Apple Store, I remember that much for sure. I'd have to read it again to see what it's really about! Blessings to you and your chickie.
Posted by Katy Raymond on 03/16/05 at 12:02 AM
i love the way u write & describe ur dream
Posted by online share trading on 09/27/09 at 06:29 AM
it has been a long time since i've saw some1 write like this i love it
Posted by Betty Boop on 10/11/09 at 04:28 PM
very breath taking article nice work
Posted by Betty Boop Cartoons on 10/11/09 at 05:32 PM
the article is great & i really enjoyed reading it & it was really interesting & helpful & I love the your site structure very nice work & effort
Posted by best eye cream on 11/22/09 at 03:34 PM

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Personal blog of christian writer & fallible mom Katy McKenna Raymond in Kansas City, Missouri Katy is represented by Greg Johnson at WordServe Literary Read more Katy at LateBoomer.net Follow Katy on Twitter Follow Katy on Facebook 123 Recent Posts Try Becoming Brenda Starr Off Beat Scattered That’s It So I’ve Finally Signed With An Agent. Now What? The Spoon Sciatica Sweetheart A Woman’s Train of Thought Has No Caboose However much we own, we are all still living on borrowed time After all, when restaurants shrink portions, they don’t shrink prices. As with everything in life, balance is key. Slow down, you move too fast… Yeah, I know. I have issues. Search Advanced Search Syndicate Login E me at katy @ ngenius.com	Just Breathe "It's all right, my love. It's all right." Somehow we'd gotten entangled in the bed. Both of us usually sleep on our right sides, with him facing the center of the bed and me facing my edge, but for some reason known only to God, Doug had rolled to his left side. I'd been up to use the bathroom at 4:30, and remember coming back to bed and rolling to my left side, also. So now we were spooning again, only Doug faced the outside of the bed, with me curled around his back. My voracious dreaming resumed. I dreamed of the first house we lived in, back in 1979. I dreamed of a stranger knocking on the door and when I answered it, there was a sold sign in our yard, even though the place wasn't for sale. "What's going on?" I asked the man on my front stoop. "You won't be needing this little place anymore," he said, with a cheesy grin and a giant, suitable-for-framing check in his outstretched arms. "You've just won 2.2 million dollars!" I have such an active dream life, including regular nightmares, that I'm thoroughly attuned to the fact that it's "just a dream" even while I'm in the middle of it. I'm rarely frightened and often so amused by my nocturnal theatrics that I've gotten good at willing myself to stay asleep just a little longer so I can see how things turn out. In the next dream scene, I had a conversation with a woman I'm close to, and expressed my feelings about a matter of great concern to me. She and I had more than a casual connection--we were lifelong friends. She was someone I could be honest with, I thought, and so I was. "You see?" Her voice turned caustic. "This is why we could never live together. You're just so negative about everything." I didn't see that one coming, and it really hurt, so I switched dream scenes fast. Enter Gary Piane, my long time friend from grade school. In real life, I run into Gary every once in a while at Starbucks and we catch up with each other's lives. He's the nicest guy in the world, my own husband excluded. In my dream, we met unexpectedly in a gothic church building. I hadn't seen him in many years and he loved my new perm so much that he buried my face in his shoulder and spent an inordinate amount of time rubbing my curly head. I had the distinct feeling of not being able to breathe, but I knew that with Doug standing right there in the church narthex watching along with God and everybody, the bear hug wouldn't last for long. I was right--it didn't, and I breathed a huge oxygenated gulp of relief. Suddenly there was only Doug and me sitting next to one another in the back of the church, my head on his shoulder, trying to catch my breath. Then just as suddenly we weren't in the church at all, but at home in our own bed, with me still dreaming, but with a strange difference in the quality of the dream. And then, as absolutely clearly as if I was awake--because in a very real sense, I was--I realized what was happening. I was suffocating. Somehow, I had wedged my face between Doug's shoulder and the mattress so closely that when he rolled from his left side partially onto his back, I became trapped. You know how you wake up from certain dreams and the first thing you say is, "Oh, but it seemed so real!" This dream didn't seem real--it was real. I cannot describe what it's like to be fully asleep and fully awake at the same time, but I know now it can happen. I became rapidly and consciously aware, while asleep, that I could not breathe at all, that whatever air pockets would have normally existed in a situation like ours simply weren't there. It felt as if I was physically trapped by the weight of Doug's body, which I could not push away from mine no matter how I struggled. And then in my dream--and in real life--I thought, "When Doug is dreaming and he starts breathing really loud, it wakes me up. I must try to breathe loudly enough for him to wake up. Otherwise, I'm going to die." I tried, both in my dream and in real life, and at first I could make no sound at all. "You have to do this," I told myself both in my dream and in real life. "If you give up, and you die, Doug will be so upset that he suffocated you." I knew I had to do it, for him. So I breathed tiny shallow breaths, with every particle of oxygen left in the space allotted me, and with each inhalation and exhalation I forced miniature wisps of noise from my mouth, until finally Doug rolled away from me and spoke, bringing me fully to my senses. "It's all right, my love. It's all right." He thought, of course, that I'd merely been having another nightmare, that he'd awakened me with his words. Until I told him that, while I was sleeping, I'd awakened him with my gasps. "I slept, but my heart was awake." Song of Solomon Posted by Katy on 02/27/05 at 07:27 PM Fallible Comments... your dream sounds so gothic :) ----- Posted by echa on 02/28/05 at 04:33 AM I'm the same way in my dreams. I know I'm dreaming, but I can choose to let it continue if I want to know how it turns out. I can also change the course if the dream scene is getting too dangerous or icky. Glad you didn't suffocate. That would've been a bummer all around, eh? ;) I'd have pinched my husband if I couldn't breathe. You're much more subtle. Posted by Jeanne Damoff on 02/28/05 at 04:09 PM Echa--I've never thought of my dreams (or myself) as gothic, but then again, there was the gothic church and all.... You may be right! Jeanne--It was weird. I was too asleep to think logically about using other body parts! Surely I could have scratched, clawed, or pinched my way to oxygen, but those appendages didn't kick in at all. Instead, I remembered how Doug's loud breathing always wakes me up, so I thought turnabout's fair play. Which makes NO SENSE, since his loud breathing doesn't wake HIM up! But God had mercy on me anyway... It's nice not to be dead before my time! I think I'll have a latte. Posted by Katy Raymond on 02/28/05 at 04:23 PM Jeanne--Besides, I committed some posts back to give up nagging my hubby, and I wouldn't want my please-release-me-let-me-breathe pinching to be miscontrued... :) Posted by Katy Raymond on 02/28/05 at 04:25 PM I love reading about your relationship with Doug... I'm four months away from getting married and I hope my relationship with my love is just as tender and sweet as yours with Doug. BTW, your blog put me over the edge and I decided blogging myself. Check out justathought.blogs.com when you get a chance and let me know what you think. Hope your Mac is running ok! :) Posted by Brandon Edling on 02/28/05 at 04:36 PM that is hilarious, what a funny yet dangerous experience!!! you & your husband are sound so sweet!! :) glad you're ok & thanks for making me laugh...HEHE :D Posted by jane on 03/01/05 at 06:12 PM A somewhat unpleasant experience, but you had the right idea! That place in between someone else and the furniture is always the warmest spot! Posted by Kevin on 03/01/05 at 10:24 PM Brandon--Welcome! Are you a Kansas City guy? I saw your blog's reference to Lawrence. Jane--Welcome to you, too! I am glad to pass along a goofy chuckle when I can. My guy is the single sweetest man in the world. Kevin--Usually, I can't stay too close to Doug in the bed because his body temperature seems SO HOT compared to mine. But that night, I must have been cold enough to risk death! Posted by Katy Raymond on 03/02/05 at 03:18 AM Brandon--I meant to add that I'm glad we inspired you to blog. With a marriage on the horizon, it's a great time to start. Maybe your fiancee will start one, too. :) Posted by Katy Raymond on 03/02/05 at 03:37 AM I'm actually the Brandon you met in the Apple Store, behind the Genius Bar :) It might take some convincing for my fiancee to start blogging, but I can see it happening some day :) Posted by Brandon Edling on 03/13/05 at 09:26 PM Brandon-the-Apple-Genius-Bar Brandon? Wow! I meant to call you to tell you that I really did blog about you! Did you scroll down and find it here? It's called "So Many Cults, So Little Time." Well, it MENTIONS you and the Apple Store, I remember that much for sure. I'd have to read it again to see what it's really about! Blessings to you and your chickie. Posted by Katy Raymond on 03/16/05 at 12:02 AM i love the way u write & describe ur dream Posted by online share trading on 09/27/09 at 06:29 AM it has been a long time since i've saw some1 write like this i love it Posted by Betty Boop on 10/11/09 at 04:28 PM very breath taking article nice work Posted by Betty Boop Cartoons on 10/11/09 at 05:32 PM the article is great & i really enjoyed reading it & it was really interesting & helpful & I love the your site structure very nice work & effort Posted by best eye cream on 11/22/09 at 03:34 PM Page 1 of 1 pages Commenting is not available in this weblog entry. Next entry: Trading Faces Previous entry: Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow? << Back to main


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Personal blog of christianwriter & fallible momKaty McKenna Raymondin Kansas City, Missouri

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Just Breathe

Personal blog of christian
writer & fallible mom
Katy McKenna Raymond
in Kansas City, Missouri