I Should Have Purchased The Extended Warranty

I've never thought of myself as a high-maintenance woman, but everything changes when you become a high-mileage woman. Once you turn fifty, as they say, it's patch, patch, patch.

Actually, they say that about forty. So I guess with me, it's patch, patch, patch, PATCH.

Yesterday, I went in to the doc for my annual naked-lady exam. I only had a few other minor issues I needed to run by him--no big deal. But I walked out with a pile of orders for outpatient tests thick enough that I almost threw my back out loading it into the car.

It seems I skipped out on the prescribed mammogram and bone density scan last summer, so my insurance company is actually sending letters to my doc, saying I'm a slacker. So what's new?

"It says here you never went in for your mammo last year," he says. "Or your bone density. You've got to do it, you know, or they come crying to me. And aren't you overdue for another colonoscopy?"

Oh, joy.

"I'm more concerned about the arthritis in my middle finger," I say. I hold it out for his perusal. "It really hurts and it's slowing me down on the computer."

"Yeah, it looks like arthritis, all right," he agrees. "But we really need to schedule you for a scan of those ovarian cysts again. Just to be on the safe side."

The safe side of what, I have no idea. I've sprouted cysts my whole life. I've had them surgically removed and they recur in spades. Cysts, schmysts, I say.

"Did I mention we found a cyst in your liver when we checked out your gall bladder?"

"Could that be causing the horrible pain in my abdomen that doubles me over so badly I can't walk?"

"No," he says. "I don't think so."

I point out a couple of patchy colored spots on my leg, since they feel oddly flaky to me.

"Ummm...I hate to say this, but those are age spots."

As much as he hated to say it, I'm thinking I hated to hear it even more.

"But now this funky bump on your arm here, I think we're going to need to biopsy that one."

Sheesh.

"So, we'll do an EKG and blood draw today, right after we do your breast exam and PAP and Suzy gives you your tetanus shot. I'll write up orders for a colonoscopy, a pelvic ultrasound, bone density scan, mammogram, oh and you know what?"

Dare I ask?

He shuffles through the top 50 pages of my extensive file. "It's been a couple years since you had an MRI of your head and saw your brain surgeon to make sure nothing's happening up there."

I can assure him, nothing is. Except for that, as soon as he mentions the letters M and R and I in the same sentence with the words "your head," I start to hyperventilate. If open MRIs did the trick for me, I'd be a happier camper in the claustrophobic department, but no...to get the pictures they need, it's closed MRI all the way, baby.

This, my friends, is why God made Xanax.

"Why don't we go ahead and get that done, too? And then come back and see me in a month. We'll go over all your test results then, and maybe schedule that biopsy. Any other concerns you're having today?"

I've been feeling mildly depressed, noticeably moreso since I arrived for my appointment, but hesitate to add any more fuel to his diagnostic fire.

"I think that's it," I say, still clutching my paper blankie for maximum coverage. "I'm good."

On the way home, I tell Doug that in addition to my previous maladies, both real and imagined, now my arm hurts really bad where they gave me the tetanus shot.

"Poor baby," he says, and he's got that look in his eye. "Whaddya say we blow this pop stand and go step on a few rusty nails?"

I laugh. Even if I have turned into a high maintenance woman, that man can still get me going.

Posted by Katy on 06/22/05 at 08:05 AM

Fallible Comments...

No shots this time?

How can you have fun at the Doctors without getting at least one shot?

Take Care
Michael
-----
Posted by Blogin Idiot on 06/23/05 at 01:48 PM
Take Care Michael--I got the bloomin' tetanus shot! That puppy hurts!

I had such a thoroughly enjoyable experience that when I got home, I made my hubby call to schedule his 52-year-old annual guy exam, which he routinely engages in at least once every five years...

Why should I have all the fun?

Too bad all those "tests" will keep me booked up between now and the follow-up in a month. Sheesh. Other people go on vacation, I'm pretty sure... :)
Posted by Katy on 06/23/05 at 02:07 PM
Yeah, Jim says that since we're paying so much for all my medical bills right now that he refuses to go to the doctor to take care of his feet which are raw and bleeding from God knows what and look terrible. I said I would make an appt. and he said he won't show up. At least Doug will go to the doctor once and a while...Jim won't go, and now he can use me as his excuse.

Katy, I hate to see you have to go through all those tests. It's not fun, and I totally relate. Keep me posted. If you need an MRI buddy, I'm there for ya...my July is free, as far as I know, since my doctors are abandoning me left and right.

Love to you!
Posted by Bridget on 06/23/05 at 07:01 PM
I've seen my doctor so many times since my auto accident we have a regular 'patter' going. When I finally went in for a 'real' visit (the well-woman exam) I sat there in my white paper dress-up outfit waiting patiently. I jokingly apologized for wearing white before Memorial Day, and he said, "But you can pull it off so well." Everbody needs a doc like my doc.
Posted by Paula on 06/23/05 at 10:20 PM
Katy, only you could make such a dismal subject so funny! You're awesome! :)
Posted by Cindy Swanson on 06/24/05 at 05:40 PM
awww katy............ *big bear hug* for you!!!
Posted by janejane on 06/24/05 at 10:56 PM
:( think I'll put off my check up
Posted by Lorna on 06/27/05 at 06:59 PM

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Personal blog of christian writer & fallible mom Katy McKenna Raymond in Kansas City, Missouri Katy is represented by Greg Johnson at WordServe Literary Read more Katy at LateBoomer.net Follow Katy on Twitter Follow Katy on Facebook 123 Recent Posts Try Becoming Brenda Starr Off Beat Scattered That’s It So I’ve Finally Signed With An Agent. Now What? The Spoon Sciatica Sweetheart A Woman’s Train of Thought Has No Caboose However much we own, we are all still living on borrowed time After all, when restaurants shrink portions, they don’t shrink prices. As with everything in life, balance is key. Slow down, you move too fast… Yeah, I know. I have issues. Search Advanced Search Syndicate Login E me at katy @ ngenius.com	I Should Have Purchased The Extended Warranty I've never thought of myself as a high-maintenance woman, but everything changes when you become a high-mileage woman. Once you turn fifty, as they say, it's patch, patch, patch. Actually, they say that about forty. So I guess with me, it's patch, patch, patch, PATCH. Yesterday, I went in to the doc for my annual naked-lady exam. I only had a few other minor issues I needed to run by him--no big deal. But I walked out with a pile of orders for outpatient tests thick enough that I almost threw my back out loading it into the car. It seems I skipped out on the prescribed mammogram and bone density scan last summer, so my insurance company is actually sending letters to my doc, saying I'm a slacker. So what's new? "It says here you never went in for your mammo last year," he says. "Or your bone density. You've got to do it, you know, or they come crying to me. And aren't you overdue for another colonoscopy?" Oh, joy. "I'm more concerned about the arthritis in my middle finger," I say. I hold it out for his perusal. "It really hurts and it's slowing me down on the computer." "Yeah, it looks like arthritis, all right," he agrees. "But we really need to schedule you for a scan of those ovarian cysts again. Just to be on the safe side." The safe side of what, I have no idea. I've sprouted cysts my whole life. I've had them surgically removed and they recur in spades. Cysts, schmysts, I say. "Did I mention we found a cyst in your liver when we checked out your gall bladder?" "Could that be causing the horrible pain in my abdomen that doubles me over so badly I can't walk?" "No," he says. "I don't think so." I point out a couple of patchy colored spots on my leg, since they feel oddly flaky to me. "Ummm...I hate to say this, but those are age spots." As much as he hated to say it, I'm thinking I hated to hear it even more. "But now this funky bump on your arm here, I think we're going to need to biopsy that one." Sheesh. "So, we'll do an EKG and blood draw today, right after we do your breast exam and PAP and Suzy gives you your tetanus shot. I'll write up orders for a colonoscopy, a pelvic ultrasound, bone density scan, mammogram, oh and you know what?" Dare I ask? He shuffles through the top 50 pages of my extensive file. "It's been a couple years since you had an MRI of your head and saw your brain surgeon to make sure nothing's happening up there." I can assure him, nothing is. Except for that, as soon as he mentions the letters M and R and I in the same sentence with the words "your head," I start to hyperventilate. If open MRIs did the trick for me, I'd be a happier camper in the claustrophobic department, but no...to get the pictures they need, it's closed MRI all the way, baby. This, my friends, is why God made Xanax. "Why don't we go ahead and get that done, too? And then come back and see me in a month. We'll go over all your test results then, and maybe schedule that biopsy. Any other concerns you're having today?" I've been feeling mildly depressed, noticeably moreso since I arrived for my appointment, but hesitate to add any more fuel to his diagnostic fire. "I think that's it," I say, still clutching my paper blankie for maximum coverage. "I'm good." On the way home, I tell Doug that in addition to my previous maladies, both real and imagined, now my arm hurts really bad where they gave me the tetanus shot. "Poor baby," he says, and he's got that look in his eye. "Whaddya say we blow this pop stand and go step on a few rusty nails?" I laugh. Even if I have turned into a high maintenance woman, that man can still get me going. Posted by Katy on 06/22/05 at 08:05 AM Fallible Comments... No shots this time? How can you have fun at the Doctors without getting at least one shot? Take Care Michael ----- Posted by Blogin Idiot on 06/23/05 at 01:48 PM Take Care Michael--I got the bloomin' tetanus shot! That puppy hurts! I had such a thoroughly enjoyable experience that when I got home, I made my hubby call to schedule his 52-year-old annual guy exam, which he routinely engages in at least once every five years... Why should I have all the fun? Too bad all those "tests" will keep me booked up between now and the follow-up in a month. Sheesh. Other people go on vacation, I'm pretty sure... :) Posted by Katy on 06/23/05 at 02:07 PM Yeah, Jim says that since we're paying so much for all my medical bills right now that he refuses to go to the doctor to take care of his feet which are raw and bleeding from God knows what and look terrible. I said I would make an appt. and he said he won't show up. At least Doug will go to the doctor once and a while...Jim won't go, and now he can use me as his excuse. Katy, I hate to see you have to go through all those tests. It's not fun, and I totally relate. Keep me posted. If you need an MRI buddy, I'm there for ya...my July is free, as far as I know, since my doctors are abandoning me left and right. Love to you! Posted by Bridget on 06/23/05 at 07:01 PM I've seen my doctor so many times since my auto accident we have a regular 'patter' going. When I finally went in for a 'real' visit (the well-woman exam) I sat there in my white paper dress-up outfit waiting patiently. I jokingly apologized for wearing white before Memorial Day, and he said, "But you can pull it off so well." Everbody needs a doc like my doc. Posted by Paula on 06/23/05 at 10:20 PM Katy, only you could make such a dismal subject so funny! You're awesome! :) Posted by Cindy Swanson on 06/24/05 at 05:40 PM awww katy............ big bear hug for you!!! Posted by janejane on 06/24/05 at 10:56 PM :( think I'll put off my check up Posted by Lorna on 06/27/05 at 06:59 PM Page 1 of 1 pages Commenting is not available in this weblog entry. 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I Should Have Purchased The Extended Warranty

Personal blog of christian
writer & fallible mom
Katy McKenna Raymond
in Kansas City, Missouri