Desperate Housewife

They say desperate times call for desperate measures. What they don’t tell you is that in desperate times, desperate measures don’t seem nearly as…desperate.

I’ve done things these past few months I never imagined doing in my life. Allow me to illustrate.

Last week, when the Funny Farm called to say they were throwing Mom in an ambulance, I grabbed my pre-packed overnight bag and threw my toothbrush in. We didn’t end up staying at the hospital, and Liz volunteered to spend the night with Mom, so I came on home.

I dropped the bag on the counter by the door that night, figuring I might need it again before morning came. Stranger things have happened, believe me.

The next day when I went to brush my teeth, my brush was missing from its holder. I immediately remembered that the toothbrush was in the bag by the back door, a distance of perhaps thirty paces. Exhausted, I took another look at the toothbrush holder exactly zero steps away.

An aged, bristle-missing toothbrush of questionable provenance peeked from behind Doug’s pristine brush.

“Looks good to me,” I heard myself say, and the next thing I knew that puppy was inside my mouth, doing its thing.

This from a girl who not that long ago wrote about how I couldn’t handle it if Doug’s toothbrush and mine were FACING each other in the holder.

Come on, people! Toothbrushes don’t have faces! Lighten up, already!

And WHO CARES that the funky brush I plunged into my precious oral crevices might have seen combat duty scrubbing grout in the shower? I’ve got BIGGER ISSUES!

So. Suffice it to say I’ve thrown all my oral hygiene Standards Of Excellence to the four winds. Unfortunately, they’re not alone out there.

Also blowing around somewhere in the great abyss is my cell phone. If you listen carefully, you may hear the faint ringing riding in on a wintry breeze, and you may be asking yourself right now, “Is anyone EVER going to answer that phone?”

Ummm…probably not. It’s been Out There Somewhere for three entire months, ring-ring-ringaling, ting-ting-tingaling, too. Deal with it. I have.

I’ve now taken the desperate measure of driving in the boonies and beyond largely phoneless, or—if in possession of Doug’s phone—performing the duties of his unwitting and unpaid over-the-road admin assist.

I can now mindlessly multi-task by fielding calls from Doug’s important clients while ambulance-chasing my way to the nearest hospital.

Who knew the old girl had it in her?

One more thing I never thought I’d do: drive without a license. That’s right. I lost it the same day I lost my cell phone, back in September.

The day I realized it was gone, I told Doug he’d need to drive me to the Department Of Motor Vehicles to replace it because I’ve never, NEVER broken the laws of the State Of Missouri by driving licenseless, and I didn’t intend to sully my perfect record now.

He said, “I can’t get away today. But I’ll help you tomorrow.”

By the next day, folks, I’d become a Hardened Criminal—a speeding, red-light-running, ambulance-chasing, someone-else’s-toothbrush-using fugitive of the laws of both God and man.

Now when a check-out clerk asks to see my driver’s license, I just twirl my car keys in my hand, pick up my shopping bag, and say, “Sorry. Don’t got one.”

I’ve got to tell you: once you let yourself cross over to the desperate side, it gets easier and easier to be badder and badder.

Some days I wonder if I can ever go back.

Posted by Katy on 12/17/05 at 08:44 AM

Fallible Comments...

I can envision all of the criminality you mentioned...but I don't know why I'm having such a hard time believing you scrubbing grout. :)
Posted by Michael Main on 12/17/05 at 09:38 AM
Michael Number One--Very funny. Notice I didn't say that I am actually a grout-scrubber myself--only that someone in this household might have done something untoward with a toothbrush. As for me? I gave up grout-scrubbing when I gave up grout. Acrylic show enclosure all the way, baby! Life's too short... :)
Posted by Katy on 12/17/05 at 09:52 AM
Should read "acrylic shower." And there's a darned good chance I can't spell acrylic, either.
Posted by Katy on 12/17/05 at 09:54 AM
You are a crazy woman! It won't be long before you are stopped, if not by the store clerks or the fuzz, then at least by the dentist.
Posted by Kathryn, the daring one on 12/17/05 at 12:20 PM
Kathryn--I know! And my dentist is a friend of mine, so if questioned, I couldn't very well lie to the man... :)

I've been out running around, fearing that I also might be in imminent (not eminent) danger of being apprehended by the spelling police. I wondered if "desperate" should actually be spelled "desparate," but discovered my original inclincations were correct. The two possible spellings were wildly disparate. :)

It's hard relaxing this holiday season, with so many "officials" after me. Makes me want to sing that old song, "Take A Walk On The Wild Side."
Posted by Katy on 12/17/05 at 01:31 PM
I am soooo THERE!!! It's like I'm on the defensive all the time, "I just DARE you to cross me! You come one inch closer, and I'll just TELL you what's more important that THIS! And believe you me, I can REALLY shock you with MY story! DARE you!" HAHAHAHAHA

Yes, I'm laughing, but not kidding :)

Actually, now I'm to the place where I don't even care. I don't answer the phone if I don't want to. I don't return calls if I don't want to. I don't talk to you if I don't want to. It's my phone, my voice, and I can do what I want to with them . . . or more, I do what I CAN with them and forget the rest :)

You go Girl! When life keeps simplifying itself to the smallest possible denominator, and then again and again, I become amazed at what I'm capable of and of what I can let go.

I remember one time dealing with some stuff that would kill most people, telling my counselor that I just want to look at people and say, "You think THAT'S important? Let me TELL you what IS important!" And he said, "Yeah, and some people are upset because they didn't get a raise."

PERSPECTIVE!!!!! You don't get it by prancing through life. You get it by living in the trenches of life. Perhaps that's why God has such amazingly perfect perspective . . . He lives in the trenches of life . . . with us :)
Posted by Ame on 12/17/05 at 02:27 PM
Hey, Katy - check this out for a good laugh, http://www.rachelhauck.com/

And read her posting and comment thread, "I Need A Support Group."

:)
Posted by Ame on 12/17/05 at 04:39 PM
Thank you for sharing these very personal experiences. I know that they have been educational for me and I hope they have been therapeutic for you.

My heart goes out to you, your Mother, your family and friends. I hope that you have a warm and blessed Christmas season.

Peace,

P. Del Ricci - <a href="http://www.throughadarkglass.blogspot.com/">Dark Glass</a>
Posted by P. Del Ricci on 12/17/05 at 04:45 PM
Katy dear,

Reading this, I believe you should be published. You have a hilarious, witty way with words. Hang in there with the hilarity and craziness!
Posted by relevantgirl on 12/18/05 at 03:30 AM
Katy,
You crack me up - as usual. Totally off-topic, but I had to tell you that my hubby and I laughed our way through "Waking Ned Devine" for the first time last night. My husband said, "Is this another recommendation from your blogging friends?" (The first one didn't turn out that great, since we both hated the movie.) But no fear, we loved dear, dead Ned and his friends - and now I know what I'm getting my dad for his birthday!
Posted by Carrie K. on 12/18/05 at 03:33 PM
So is THAT what's going on with me? I've crossed over. I seeeee.
Posted by Heather on 12/18/05 at 04:22 PM
Ame--I SO know what you mean. There are really only a few things I find important right now. I'm kind of surprised at the things that have fallen by the wayside, though! BTW, Rachel Hauck is a hoot. I got to see her in person at the writers conference in Nashville...

P. Del Ricci--Thanks for reading here, and for your kind thoughts! I'm enjoying your site, as well.

Relevant Mary--Girl, you have made my year! Can't wait till your new book arrives!! And your novel, too...

Carrie K--I'm so pleased! Ned is my all-time favorite movie. I hope your dad loves it. I'm so addicted to it, I watch it several times per year. Even more often when I'm going through one of those periods when I really miss "the brogues," (my dead relatives) or Ireland in general.
In fact, it's about that time again! :)
Posted by Katy on 12/18/05 at 04:22 PM
Heather--Crossing over manifests itself a wee bit differently for each person. For my hubby, he would know he'd crossed if he could actually find--with no great effort--his wallet, our paid personal property tax statement, or the Christmas present he purchased for his mother.

I'd knew I'd crossed when I started "losing it." He'd know the same if he "found it." So which one are you??? :) It almost doesn't matter, when you write French as well as you do.... Fantastic!
Posted by Katy on 12/18/05 at 04:26 PM
Jim has always told me that you can drive without a license and not get in trouble. As long as the cops can look you up and see that you DO have one, you can't get in trouble. I've never tested his theory personally, but I guess I'm gonna believe it since he's a cop. :)
Now the toothbrush thing...that's way too gross for me. I accidently used Jim's once for literally seconds, and just about puked. BLAH. That's just crossing over the line into the dark side...
Posted by Bridget on 12/18/05 at 05:04 PM
Bridget--You are kidding! It's OK that I'm driving without a license? Does that mean I need to come up with another abberent (sic?) behavior to make me feel like I'm "sticking it to the man"--whatever that means? Darn!

The toothbrush thing is EXTREMELY gross, I agree. And I'm shocked by my actions. But it's been a week now since I've used my own toothbrush. There's no turning back.... :)
Posted by Katy on 12/18/05 at 10:28 PM
Rebel you!
Posted by Lynn on 12/20/05 at 03:14 PM
Katy, you can't possibly know how far-reaching your posts are. You say what others think. Your transparency makes me feel almost normal. I love your quick wit, and the way you've chosen to laugh at life. Please, please, don't stop writing this stuff. It's better than fudge.
Posted by Bonnie on 12/20/05 at 09:50 PM
Lynn--It's true! I was SUCH a compliant child, and now this! :)

Bonnie--When I write this stuff, I think that maybe no one else is so...well, you know. And then you say it makes you feel normal! That's the best compliment you could give. I'm letting myself (and others) off the hook on a bunch of standards I used to hold myself to, and it feels good. Weird, but good...

I LOVE your pictures of the iced roses! So beautiful!
Posted by Katy on 12/21/05 at 09:15 AM

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Personal blog of christian writer & fallible mom Katy McKenna Raymond in Kansas City, Missouri Katy is represented by Greg Johnson at WordServe Literary Read more Katy at LateBoomer.net Follow Katy on Twitter Follow Katy on Facebook 123 Recent Posts Try Becoming Brenda Starr Off Beat Scattered That’s It So I’ve Finally Signed With An Agent. Now What? The Spoon Sciatica Sweetheart A Woman’s Train of Thought Has No Caboose However much we own, we are all still living on borrowed time After all, when restaurants shrink portions, they don’t shrink prices. As with everything in life, balance is key. Slow down, you move too fast… Yeah, I know. I have issues. Search Advanced Search Syndicate Login E me at katy @ ngenius.com	Desperate Housewife They say desperate times call for desperate measures. What they don’t tell you is that in desperate times, desperate measures don’t seem nearly as…desperate. I’ve done things these past few months I never imagined doing in my life. Allow me to illustrate. Last week, when the Funny Farm called to say they were throwing Mom in an ambulance, I grabbed my pre-packed overnight bag and threw my toothbrush in. We didn’t end up staying at the hospital, and Liz volunteered to spend the night with Mom, so I came on home. I dropped the bag on the counter by the door that night, figuring I might need it again before morning came. Stranger things have happened, believe me. The next day when I went to brush my teeth, my brush was missing from its holder. I immediately remembered that the toothbrush was in the bag by the back door, a distance of perhaps thirty paces. Exhausted, I took another look at the toothbrush holder exactly zero steps away. An aged, bristle-missing toothbrush of questionable provenance peeked from behind Doug’s pristine brush. “Looks good to me,” I heard myself say, and the next thing I knew that puppy was inside my mouth, doing its thing. This from a girl who not that long ago wrote about how I couldn’t handle it if Doug’s toothbrush and mine were FACING each other in the holder. Come on, people! Toothbrushes don’t have faces! Lighten up, already! And WHO CARES that the funky brush I plunged into my precious oral crevices might have seen combat duty scrubbing grout in the shower? I’ve got BIGGER ISSUES! So. Suffice it to say I’ve thrown all my oral hygiene Standards Of Excellence to the four winds. Unfortunately, they’re not alone out there. Also blowing around somewhere in the great abyss is my cell phone. If you listen carefully, you may hear the faint ringing riding in on a wintry breeze, and you may be asking yourself right now, “Is anyone EVER going to answer that phone?” Ummm…probably not. It’s been Out There Somewhere for three entire months, ring-ring-ringaling, ting-ting-tingaling, too. Deal with it. I have. I’ve now taken the desperate measure of driving in the boonies and beyond largely phoneless, or—if in possession of Doug’s phone—performing the duties of his unwitting and unpaid over-the-road admin assist. I can now mindlessly multi-task by fielding calls from Doug’s important clients while ambulance-chasing my way to the nearest hospital. Who knew the old girl had it in her? One more thing I never thought I’d do: drive without a license. That’s right. I lost it the same day I lost my cell phone, back in September. The day I realized it was gone, I told Doug he’d need to drive me to the Department Of Motor Vehicles to replace it because I’ve never, NEVER broken the laws of the State Of Missouri by driving licenseless, and I didn’t intend to sully my perfect record now. He said, “I can’t get away today. But I’ll help you tomorrow.” By the next day, folks, I’d become a Hardened Criminal—a speeding, red-light-running, ambulance-chasing, someone-else’s-toothbrush-using fugitive of the laws of both God and man. Now when a check-out clerk asks to see my driver’s license, I just twirl my car keys in my hand, pick up my shopping bag, and say, “Sorry. Don’t got one.” I’ve got to tell you: once you let yourself cross over to the desperate side, it gets easier and easier to be badder and badder. Some days I wonder if I can ever go back. Posted by Katy on 12/17/05 at 08:44 AM Fallible Comments... I can envision all of the criminality you mentioned...but I don't know why I'm having such a hard time believing you scrubbing grout. :) Posted by Michael Main on 12/17/05 at 09:38 AM Michael Number One--Very funny. Notice I didn't say that I am actually a grout-scrubber myself--only that someone in this household might have done something untoward with a toothbrush. As for me? I gave up grout-scrubbing when I gave up grout. Acrylic show enclosure all the way, baby! Life's too short... :) Posted by Katy on 12/17/05 at 09:52 AM Should read "acrylic shower." And there's a darned good chance I can't spell acrylic, either. Posted by Katy on 12/17/05 at 09:54 AM You are a crazy woman! It won't be long before you are stopped, if not by the store clerks or the fuzz, then at least by the dentist. Posted by Kathryn, the daring one on 12/17/05 at 12:20 PM Kathryn--I know! And my dentist is a friend of mine, so if questioned, I couldn't very well lie to the man... :) I've been out running around, fearing that I also might be in imminent (not eminent) danger of being apprehended by the spelling police. I wondered if "desperate" should actually be spelled "desparate," but discovered my original inclincations were correct. The two possible spellings were wildly disparate. :) It's hard relaxing this holiday season, with so many "officials" after me. Makes me want to sing that old song, "Take A Walk On The Wild Side." Posted by Katy on 12/17/05 at 01:31 PM I am soooo THERE!!! It's like I'm on the defensive all the time, "I just DARE you to cross me! You come one inch closer, and I'll just TELL you what's more important that THIS! And believe you me, I can REALLY shock you with MY story! DARE you!" HAHAHAHAHA Yes, I'm laughing, but not kidding :) Actually, now I'm to the place where I don't even care. I don't answer the phone if I don't want to. I don't return calls if I don't want to. I don't talk to you if I don't want to. It's my phone, my voice, and I can do what I want to with them . . . or more, I do what I CAN with them and forget the rest :) You go Girl! When life keeps simplifying itself to the smallest possible denominator, and then again and again, I become amazed at what I'm capable of and of what I can let go. I remember one time dealing with some stuff that would kill most people, telling my counselor that I just want to look at people and say, "You think THAT'S important? Let me TELL you what IS important!" And he said, "Yeah, and some people are upset because they didn't get a raise." PERSPECTIVE!!!!! You don't get it by prancing through life. You get it by living in the trenches of life. Perhaps that's why God has such amazingly perfect perspective . . . He lives in the trenches of life . . . with us :) Posted by Ame on 12/17/05 at 02:27 PM Hey, Katy - check this out for a good laugh, http://www.rachelhauck.com/ And read her posting and comment thread, "I Need A Support Group." :) Posted by Ame on 12/17/05 at 04:39 PM Thank you for sharing these very personal experiences. I know that they have been educational for me and I hope they have been therapeutic for you. My heart goes out to you, your Mother, your family and friends. I hope that you have a warm and blessed Christmas season. Peace, P. Del Ricci - <a href="http://www.throughadarkglass.blogspot.com/">Dark Glass</a> Posted by P. Del Ricci on 12/17/05 at 04:45 PM Katy dear, Reading this, I believe you should be published. You have a hilarious, witty way with words. Hang in there with the hilarity and craziness! Posted by relevantgirl on 12/18/05 at 03:30 AM Katy, You crack me up - as usual. Totally off-topic, but I had to tell you that my hubby and I laughed our way through "Waking Ned Devine" for the first time last night. My husband said, "Is this another recommendation from your blogging friends?" (The first one didn't turn out that great, since we both hated the movie.) But no fear, we loved dear, dead Ned and his friends - and now I know what I'm getting my dad for his birthday! Posted by Carrie K. on 12/18/05 at 03:33 PM So is THAT what's going on with me? I've crossed over. I seeeee. Posted by Heather on 12/18/05 at 04:22 PM Ame--I SO know what you mean. There are really only a few things I find important right now. I'm kind of surprised at the things that have fallen by the wayside, though! BTW, Rachel Hauck is a hoot. I got to see her in person at the writers conference in Nashville... P. Del Ricci--Thanks for reading here, and for your kind thoughts! I'm enjoying your site, as well. Relevant Mary--Girl, you have made my year! Can't wait till your new book arrives!! And your novel, too... Carrie K--I'm so pleased! Ned is my all-time favorite movie. I hope your dad loves it. I'm so addicted to it, I watch it several times per year. Even more often when I'm going through one of those periods when I really miss "the brogues," (my dead relatives) or Ireland in general. In fact, it's about that time again! :) Posted by Katy on 12/18/05 at 04:22 PM Heather--Crossing over manifests itself a wee bit differently for each person. For my hubby, he would know he'd crossed if he could actually find--with no great effort--his wallet, our paid personal property tax statement, or the Christmas present he purchased for his mother. I'd knew I'd crossed when I started "losing it." He'd know the same if he "found it." So which one are you??? :) It almost doesn't matter, when you write French as well as you do.... Fantastic! Posted by Katy on 12/18/05 at 04:26 PM Jim has always told me that you can drive without a license and not get in trouble. As long as the cops can look you up and see that you DO have one, you can't get in trouble. I've never tested his theory personally, but I guess I'm gonna believe it since he's a cop. :) Now the toothbrush thing...that's way too gross for me. I accidently used Jim's once for literally seconds, and just about puked. BLAH. That's just crossing over the line into the dark side... Posted by Bridget on 12/18/05 at 05:04 PM Bridget--You are kidding! It's OK that I'm driving without a license? Does that mean I need to come up with another abberent (sic?) behavior to make me feel like I'm "sticking it to the man"--whatever that means? Darn! The toothbrush thing is EXTREMELY gross, I agree. And I'm shocked by my actions. But it's been a week now since I've used my own toothbrush. There's no turning back.... :) Posted by Katy on 12/18/05 at 10:28 PM Rebel you! Posted by Lynn on 12/20/05 at 03:14 PM Katy, you can't possibly know how far-reaching your posts are. You say what others think. Your transparency makes me feel almost normal. I love your quick wit, and the way you've chosen to laugh at life. Please, please, don't stop writing this stuff. It's better than fudge. Posted by Bonnie on 12/20/05 at 09:50 PM Lynn--It's true! I was SUCH a compliant child, and now this! :) Bonnie--When I write this stuff, I think that maybe no one else is so...well, you know. And then you say it makes you feel normal! That's the best compliment you could give. I'm letting myself (and others) off the hook on a bunch of standards I used to hold myself to, and it feels good. Weird, but good... I LOVE your pictures of the iced roses! So beautiful! Posted by Katy on 12/21/05 at 09:15 AM Page 1 of 1 pages Commenting is not available in this weblog entry. Next entry: Time Out Previous entry: Where Has She Been All Her Life? << Back to main


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Personal blog of christianwriter & fallible momKaty McKenna Raymondin Kansas City, Missouri

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Desperate Housewife

Personal blog of christian
writer & fallible mom
Katy McKenna Raymond
in Kansas City, Missouri