Bottom-Line Friendship

After a three-hour long lunch, Terri and I sat in adjoining bathroom stalls in Applebee's, still chatting before we hopped in our cars and went our separate ways--or so we thought.

We've only been friends a short while, since she was 13 and I was 17. So, while we've become quite close, there are still a few things we haven't shared. At least not in a public bathroom. Until now.

Terri turned on the water, gabbing away, and I'm thinking she was as surprised as I when suddenly I screamed out in pain.

"Aaaa-aaaaa-AAAAAAA!!"

"What? What? WHAT?" she screamed back.

"I can't MOVE!! It hurts so BAD!!!"

"What hurts? What's wrong?"

I gotta tell you, this girl's been around the block with me more than once. She knows I'm a drama queen, yes. But she also knows I have a knack for contracting some of the most exotic diseases and bizarre conditions known to womankind. Let's just say when I shriek, she doesn't yawn.

"Lower left quadrant," I gasp. "It's HORRIBLE! I can't stand up..."

"Unlock the door in case I need to come in there," she said.

Now this is where things started to get dicey, at least in my weird mind. I really don't like chicks with me in the bathroom, especially when I can't stand up and I'm screaming and my granny panties are down around my ankles. I looked at the stall door, which ends about six inches from the floor, and realized that it would be completely unfair to refuse to unlock the door because of nutty hang-ups. What did I plan to do? Pass out from the pain and expect Terri to worm her way under the door with me blocking it?

I reached up and unlocked the door. She was nice enough not to barge in until things got even more desperate, affording me another full fifteen seconds of dignity.

I managed to get my unders pulled up, which is the nice thing about elastic-waisted garments, isn't it? Even if you yourself can't, technically, stand up, you can still finagle those puppies into place. I breathed a sigh of relief. I might have to be hauled out of there half naked, I thought, but I've done worse. (Don't ask.)

"Terri, I can't get my jeans up, because I can't stand up."

"Should I call Doug?"

Did she think he could pull my jeans up? Because, honestly, he's not very good at stuff like that.

"AAAAA! Aaaaaa....AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"

"Should I call an ambulance?"

I had to get out of that bathroom. I was dripping sweat and my mouth had gone completely dry. I hadn't started hyperventilating yet, though, so there was still hope.

"Give me your pants," I said. "Now. I'm dying here, Terri. I've got to have your pants."

"What? My pants? What will I do?"

When you've been friends as long as Terri and I have been, that last question--while entertaining--really isn't useful. It doesn't matter what one of us will do, if the other one is in need. She'd end up giving me her pants, and she knew it.

"I can pull your pants up on me, because they have elastic," I said. "You can wear my jeans..."

I started to fade then. The pain had its way with me, and I remember little after that. Somehow, she got out of her pants, got me out of mine, got my feet into hers, and got herself into my jeans. I remember hearing her mutter to herself, "It's OK. It's fine. We can do this. OK, now. Everything's fine..."

Then I heard her say, "I'm gonna pray for you." And she prayed out loud, and while the pain didn't go away, I felt a comfort descend upon both of us, right there, right then.

The next thing I knew, I was pulling those glorious elastic-waisted jogging pants up over my granny panties and gingerly making my way toward the bathroom door.

We left my car there in the parking lot and Terri drove me home. I don't remember the ride, just the feeling of the friendship. Just the wonderful feeling you have when you know that there's someone in the world who would do pretty much anything for you, and even refrain from laughing her head off at your weirdness. Someone who will give you the clothes off her rear end if you ask for them, who will pray you through your most embarassing moments in public places, proving to you once again that Jesus is truly Lord of everything.

He's even Lord of the Pants.

Posted by Katy on 04/06/05 at 04:38 PM

Fallible Comments...

Wow...sounded like a scene in a movie. Are you okay??? Its so nice that you can laugh about it. Indeed,...thank God for Himself, good friends & family that are there for us through thick & thin :)
-----
Posted by jane on 04/07/05 at 12:47 AM
Jane--Yeah. Some movie, huh? :) Hey, thanks for reading and commenting here! It's nice to "meet" you.

I'm probably fine. I've had "ischemic colitis" before, though, which is essentially a stroke of the colon. It's lots of fun, which I'm sure you can imagine! Anyway, this episode reminded me WAY too much of that one, but then it stopped short of going to the VERY bad place. For that, I am truly grateful!!
Posted by Katy Raymond on 04/07/05 at 01:22 AM
I don't want to nag -- but are you going to see your doctor? I hope everything's ok!
Posted by Carrie K. on 04/07/05 at 02:30 AM
I'd, too, give you my pants any day of the week! Let me know how you're doing...
Posted by Bridget on 04/07/05 at 03:03 AM
Whoah!

...And that my friends is why I read this wonderful lady's words.

She knows how to pack um with power. Raw emotion screaming into my soul.

Man, I'll have to read that again.

Take Care
Michael
Posted by Blogin Idiot on 04/07/05 at 03:16 AM
Glad you're feeling better. I really needed a laugh today, so thanks!
Posted by Elizabeth on 04/07/05 at 03:45 AM
Lord of the Pants. I'm dying here! You are killing me -- it's just after midnight here in Cleveland and I just nearly woke up the whole house laughing waaaaaayyy outloud at that one. I mean, I am sorry you had such a painful situation, but am I ever glad that you didn't get your panties in a bunch about it and keep it to yourself! (I had a "friend-undies-pee-myself" episode once while walking down a street in Chicago one day. Had on a pair of those undies that shoulda been thrown away a long time ago -- you know, elastic shot, etc. Anyway, walking with my friend I realize that the undies are working their way down my rear -- I was wearing a jumper-type dress - and so I informed my friend that this was occuring because I needed to get somewhere and fix the situation. But, it got so hilarious. Before we could get in anywhere to solve my problem the undies were waaaayyyy past being on my rear and I was having to walk with my legs wide apart in order to keep the undies from just falling to the ground. I finally ducked into an alley, let the undies fall, opened the nearest dumpster and tossed em. The two of us were laughing so hard we pee'd our pants - or she did. I sorta had a different problem then. But we were almost home by that time.)
Thanks again for your blog!
Posted by Susan on 04/07/05 at 05:39 AM
Not only are your posts funny, but so are your commenters' comments (see above). It is past 1am at this house, and I am trying so hard not to wake the baby up with my laughing!
Posted by Lori Seaborg on 04/07/05 at 07:01 AM
This also gives new meaning to "Lord of the Flies" at least in terms of zippers....

Hope all is well.

-M
Posted by Michael Main on 04/07/05 at 07:57 AM
Oh Mr. Main that was horrible, yet oh so nice...
Posted by Kevin on 04/07/05 at 01:18 PM
Laughter really IS the best medicine, you know! By 7 am, I was up and reading the hilarious comments you people wrote and laughing my fool head off. Thanks for the good cheer!

Susan, Please tell us that you, too, are a blogger! What the blogosphere needs now is more saggy underpants stories! We need a link, woman!

Michael Main, Is nothing sacred to you, not even the classics? ;)
Posted by Katy Raymond on 04/07/05 at 02:50 PM
Katy,

It's time to burn the granny panties! Live young! Buy an undergarment whose title used to be the word for "flip flops." Shun midlife, shun grannie's drawers, and live the liberated life!!! :-)

(Not that I've done this, but, hey, I can always preach!)

So glad you are OK. What a yuck thing. Are you better now? Is your breathing back to normal?
Posted by relevantgirl on 04/09/05 at 09:39 AM
relevantgirl--I knew you were "relevant," but I didn't know you were THAT relevant! Yeah, after I lost a ton of weight, I got brave and tried on a thong. I would have tried two, but it hurt my big toe really bad... :)
Posted by Katy Raymond on 04/13/05 at 02:25 PM
<a href="http://blogotional.blogspot.com/2005/04/friendship.html" rel="nofollow">Here is my post</a> referencing this wonderful post.
Posted by John Schroeder (Blogotional) on 04/17/05 at 03:03 PM

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Personal blog of christian writer & fallible mom Katy McKenna Raymond in Kansas City, Missouri Katy is represented by Greg Johnson at WordServe Literary Read more Katy at LateBoomer.net Follow Katy on Twitter Follow Katy on Facebook 123 Recent Posts Try Becoming Brenda Starr Off Beat Scattered That’s It So I’ve Finally Signed With An Agent. Now What? The Spoon Sciatica Sweetheart A Woman’s Train of Thought Has No Caboose However much we own, we are all still living on borrowed time After all, when restaurants shrink portions, they don’t shrink prices. As with everything in life, balance is key. Slow down, you move too fast… Yeah, I know. I have issues. Search Advanced Search Syndicate Login E me at katy @ ngenius.com	Bottom-Line Friendship After a three-hour long lunch, Terri and I sat in adjoining bathroom stalls in Applebee's, still chatting before we hopped in our cars and went our separate ways--or so we thought. We've only been friends a short while, since she was 13 and I was 17. So, while we've become quite close, there are still a few things we haven't shared. At least not in a public bathroom. Until now. Terri turned on the water, gabbing away, and I'm thinking she was as surprised as I when suddenly I screamed out in pain. "Aaaa-aaaaa-AAAAAAA!!" "What? What? WHAT?" she screamed back. "I can't MOVE!! It hurts so BAD!!!" "What hurts? What's wrong?" I gotta tell you, this girl's been around the block with me more than once. She knows I'm a drama queen, yes. But she also knows I have a knack for contracting some of the most exotic diseases and bizarre conditions known to womankind. Let's just say when I shriek, she doesn't yawn. "Lower left quadrant," I gasp. "It's HORRIBLE! I can't stand up..." "Unlock the door in case I need to come in there," she said. Now this is where things started to get dicey, at least in my weird mind. I really don't like chicks with me in the bathroom, especially when I can't stand up and I'm screaming and my granny panties are down around my ankles. I looked at the stall door, which ends about six inches from the floor, and realized that it would be completely unfair to refuse to unlock the door because of nutty hang-ups. What did I plan to do? Pass out from the pain and expect Terri to worm her way under the door with me blocking it? I reached up and unlocked the door. She was nice enough not to barge in until things got even more desperate, affording me another full fifteen seconds of dignity. I managed to get my unders pulled up, which is the nice thing about elastic-waisted garments, isn't it? Even if you yourself can't, technically, stand up, you can still finagle those puppies into place. I breathed a sigh of relief. I might have to be hauled out of there half naked, I thought, but I've done worse. (Don't ask.) "Terri, I can't get my jeans up, because I can't stand up." "Should I call Doug?" Did she think he could pull my jeans up? Because, honestly, he's not very good at stuff like that. "AAAAA! Aaaaaa....AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" "Should I call an ambulance?" I had to get out of that bathroom. I was dripping sweat and my mouth had gone completely dry. I hadn't started hyperventilating yet, though, so there was still hope. "Give me your pants," I said. "Now. I'm dying here, Terri. I've got to have your pants." "What? My pants? What will I do?" When you've been friends as long as Terri and I have been, that last question--while entertaining--really isn't useful. It doesn't matter what one of us will do, if the other one is in need. She'd end up giving me her pants, and she knew it. "I can pull your pants up on me, because they have elastic," I said. "You can wear my jeans..." I started to fade then. The pain had its way with me, and I remember little after that. Somehow, she got out of her pants, got me out of mine, got my feet into hers, and got herself into my jeans. I remember hearing her mutter to herself, "It's OK. It's fine. We can do this. OK, now. Everything's fine..." Then I heard her say, "I'm gonna pray for you." And she prayed out loud, and while the pain didn't go away, I felt a comfort descend upon both of us, right there, right then. The next thing I knew, I was pulling those glorious elastic-waisted jogging pants up over my granny panties and gingerly making my way toward the bathroom door. We left my car there in the parking lot and Terri drove me home. I don't remember the ride, just the feeling of the friendship. Just the wonderful feeling you have when you know that there's someone in the world who would do pretty much anything for you, and even refrain from laughing her head off at your weirdness. Someone who will give you the clothes off her rear end if you ask for them, who will pray you through your most embarassing moments in public places, proving to you once again that Jesus is truly Lord of everything. He's even Lord of the Pants. Posted by Katy on 04/06/05 at 04:38 PM Fallible Comments... Wow...sounded like a scene in a movie. Are you okay??? Its so nice that you can laugh about it. Indeed,...thank God for Himself, good friends & family that are there for us through thick & thin :) ----- Posted by jane on 04/07/05 at 12:47 AM Jane--Yeah. Some movie, huh? :) Hey, thanks for reading and commenting here! It's nice to "meet" you. I'm probably fine. I've had "ischemic colitis" before, though, which is essentially a stroke of the colon. It's lots of fun, which I'm sure you can imagine! Anyway, this episode reminded me WAY too much of that one, but then it stopped short of going to the VERY bad place. For that, I am truly grateful!! Posted by Katy Raymond on 04/07/05 at 01:22 AM I don't want to nag -- but are you going to see your doctor? I hope everything's ok! Posted by Carrie K. on 04/07/05 at 02:30 AM I'd, too, give you my pants any day of the week! Let me know how you're doing... Posted by Bridget on 04/07/05 at 03:03 AM Whoah! ...And that my friends is why I read this wonderful lady's words. She knows how to pack um with power. Raw emotion screaming into my soul. Man, I'll have to read that again. Take Care Michael Posted by Blogin Idiot on 04/07/05 at 03:16 AM Glad you're feeling better. I really needed a laugh today, so thanks! Posted by Elizabeth on 04/07/05 at 03:45 AM Lord of the Pants. I'm dying here! You are killing me -- it's just after midnight here in Cleveland and I just nearly woke up the whole house laughing waaaaaayyy outloud at that one. I mean, I am sorry you had such a painful situation, but am I ever glad that you didn't get your panties in a bunch about it and keep it to yourself! (I had a "friend-undies-pee-myself" episode once while walking down a street in Chicago one day. Had on a pair of those undies that shoulda been thrown away a long time ago -- you know, elastic shot, etc. Anyway, walking with my friend I realize that the undies are working their way down my rear -- I was wearing a jumper-type dress - and so I informed my friend that this was occuring because I needed to get somewhere and fix the situation. But, it got so hilarious. Before we could get in anywhere to solve my problem the undies were waaaayyyy past being on my rear and I was having to walk with my legs wide apart in order to keep the undies from just falling to the ground. I finally ducked into an alley, let the undies fall, opened the nearest dumpster and tossed em. The two of us were laughing so hard we pee'd our pants - or she did. I sorta had a different problem then. But we were almost home by that time.) Thanks again for your blog! Posted by Susan on 04/07/05 at 05:39 AM Not only are your posts funny, but so are your commenters' comments (see above). It is past 1am at this house, and I am trying so hard not to wake the baby up with my laughing! Posted by Lori Seaborg on 04/07/05 at 07:01 AM This also gives new meaning to "Lord of the Flies" at least in terms of zippers.... Hope all is well. -M Posted by Michael Main on 04/07/05 at 07:57 AM Oh Mr. Main that was horrible, yet oh so nice... Posted by Kevin on 04/07/05 at 01:18 PM Laughter really IS the best medicine, you know! By 7 am, I was up and reading the hilarious comments you people wrote and laughing my fool head off. Thanks for the good cheer! Susan, Please tell us that you, too, are a blogger! What the blogosphere needs now is more saggy underpants stories! We need a link, woman! Michael Main, Is nothing sacred to you, not even the classics? ;) Posted by Katy Raymond on 04/07/05 at 02:50 PM Katy, It's time to burn the granny panties! Live young! Buy an undergarment whose title used to be the word for "flip flops." Shun midlife, shun grannie's drawers, and live the liberated life!!! :-) (Not that I've done this, but, hey, I can always preach!) So glad you are OK. What a yuck thing. Are you better now? Is your breathing back to normal? Posted by relevantgirl on 04/09/05 at 09:39 AM relevantgirl--I knew you were "relevant," but I didn't know you were THAT relevant! Yeah, after I lost a ton of weight, I got brave and tried on a thong. I would have tried two, but it hurt my big toe really bad... :) Posted by Katy Raymond on 04/13/05 at 02:25 PM <a href="http://blogotional.blogspot.com/2005/04/friendship.html" rel="nofollow">Here is my post</a> referencing this wonderful post. Posted by John Schroeder (Blogotional) on 04/17/05 at 03:03 PM Page 1 of 1 pages Commenting is not available in this weblog entry. Next entry: The Stories of Our Lives Previous entry: Empty Hands << Back to main


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Personal blog of christianwriter & fallible momKaty McKenna Raymondin Kansas City, Missouri

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Bottom-Line Friendship

Personal blog of christian
writer & fallible mom
Katy McKenna Raymond
in Kansas City, Missouri