Katy McKenna Raymond  
Personal blog of christian writer Katy McKenna Raymond in Kansas City, Missouri

Personal blog of christian
writer & fallible mom
Katy McKenna Raymond
in Kansas City, Missouri


Katy is represented by
Greg Johnson at
WordServe Literary

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LateBoomer.net

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Attitude

"I guess I should just be grateful all to hell."

"Yeah, Mom, you should. You've got this big family, and we all love you..."

"But when you do too much for me, like you did for my birthday, it makes me think..."

"What?"

"That the doctor's told you something you haven't told me. That I'm dying."

The last thing we knew, she was dying. That was two months ago, when the doc said all signs pointed toward multiple myeloma, a blood cancer that had supposedly weakened her bones to an alarming degree. Since then, though, she's been feeling--and acting--better than she has in a couple years, making me wonder whether the cancer thing is real.

We didn't keep anything from her, not even the c-word. But she wouldn't entertain the possibility of it being true for even a second. When one of her close friends became frantic when Mom didn't answer the phone one day, I said, "Mom, Carolyn's worried about you. You've been in the hospital, and she doesn't know why. What have you told her?"

"Nothing."

"Well, maybe you need to tell her that the docs were worried about your bones so they did a bunch of tests. And that they think you may have this blood cancer--"

"Oh, no. I would never say that."

"Well, okay. Then just tell her that your bones are in a very weakened condition."

"I can say that."

I suppose we went overboard for Mom's 75th birthday. I had the brilliant idea to put together the iMovie of her life. Then Liz decided to book a nice room in an Italian restaurant for champagne brunch--a private party room where we could show the movie to the crowd of 35. To top it off, a ladies barbershop quartet sang just for Mom.

But by then, she was so freaked out, she couldn't enjoy it.

On Monday, her actual birthday, Liz hired the Dazzlers--a group of geriatric lady tap-dancers--to perform for a large crowd at Mom's retirement community. Mom had seen the flyers and she showed up in the lobby at the right time, never dreaming the event was being staged in her honor.

"When that tap dancer announced that they were performing in honor of Mary McKenna's 75th birthday, I was shocked! But I don't remember anything else about the dancing, because I was so worried."

So, to sum up: My mother is in total denial about her actual prognosis (which isn't too terrific), but instead chooses to believe--against every shred of logic in the known universe--that when her family throws her a nice party for a milestone birthday, it must mean the doctor has lowered the boom.

Sometimes it's tempting to give up on my mom ever "getting it," but then I remember what God puts up with. How often do I refuse to receive the gifts He wants to give me because I don't believe I'm good enough to deserve them? How often do I leave treats on the table He's set for me, because He must really have someone else in mind for them?

How many days have I spent slowly dying, when all He wants is to resurrect me to His new life?

"I guess I should just be grateful all to hell."

Make that heaven, Mom. And that makes two of us.
Posted by Katy on 04/20/05 at 06:20 PM
Fallible Comments...
  1. Yeah, Mom had already shared this with me on the night of her birthday when I called her. She asked me if she was dying. I asked what she was talking about. She replied that if we're doing all that for her, then we must have all been told by her doctors that she was "in her final days." I said that we did it because we loved her and that it was a special birthday. I don't think she believed me. I think she enjoyed her two days, but it was just too much and a bit overwhelming for her. Great blog, by the way. Love you and miss you.
    -----
    Posted by Bridget  on  04/21/05  at  01:43 AM
  2. Don't be surprised if God gives her what seems like oodles of 'time.' My mom had multiple myeloma (like her mom) and lived for 20 years after the diagnosis. And Bridget is right; 75 is a good year to celebrate.
    Posted by Paula  on  04/21/05  at  06:24 AM
  3. thanks for sharing Katy, this reminds me of the attitude i have lately about life. i know God wants me to enjoy life, but i let alot of worries and "what-ifs" overload and burden me that i can't enjoy anymore. thank God He kindly reminds me again & again, even through your blog...don't let Satan's lies worry & stop me from enjoying what God wants me to enjoy!
    Posted by jane  on  04/22/05  at  07:49 PM
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