And I Don’t Have To Go Right Now

Yesterday was Cram-All-The-Medical-Tests-Into-One-Long-Session Day.

The schedule of events called for an 8:30 pelvic ultrasound (to check out those pesky ovarian cysts I've sprouted my whole life), followed by a 9:00 mammogram (to which I bring nothing to the table), then a 9:30 MRI of my head (to check for a recurrence of brain tumors), and finally a 10:30 bone density scan (to see if I've inherited my mother's osteoporosis).

I was instructed to begin drinking 32 ounces of water at 7:30, so that my bladder would be full to bursting by 8:30. I informed Doug upon awakening that I knew too much about my own itty-bitty-bladder syndrome to follow the written instructions.

"I'm only drinking 16 ounces, starting at 8:00. Believe you me, my bladder will be the fullest one they've ever seen in their entire bladder-seeing careers."

"Are you sure?" he said. "You wouldn't want to arrive half-empty and throw off the schedule of events."

"Trust me. I have to take Xanax at exactly 8:30 to get relaxed enough to be able to survive the 9:30 MRI. But if I'm relaxed when the sonographer is pushing the thingie around on my pelvis and my bladder's too full, I'll pee on the table. Then where will I be?"

So, I followed my plan. At 8:30, I scooted my pants down on the sonographer's table and she covered me with goop. Two seconds later she said, "Oh-oh. You must be dehydrated. The water you drank isn't getting to your bladder. See?" She pointed her screen to me to show how my bladder was only one-tenth full. "You'll have to sit in the lobby and drink some more--a lot more."

Doug was waiting in the lobby. My eyes got big when I saw him and I shook my head. "Foiled again. Hand me that water bottle." I ran down the hall with it and my purse, which contained a Depends Adult Undergarment. I velcroed that puppy to my behind in the john before I guzzled another 16 ounces in two minutes flat.

There's no way I can hold that much water when I'm on relaxation medication. You know what they say. "This is your bladder. This is your extremely overfull bladder on Xanax." Not a pretty picture.

I ran back to the waiting room. Doug said, "They called your name. They're reversing the order of the tests while they wait for your bladder to fill."

So I scurried back to the mammography room, where the very kind technician flattened my breasts between two steel rectangles first horizontally and then--after I said thank you very much it's been real I'm outta here--vertically.

I slapped my blouse back on and opened the door in time for the sonographer to greet me with a smile. "Come on back. We'll get you taken care of before my next appointment arrives."

By now the Xanax had kicked in big-time. I kept hoping it wouldn't wear off before the MRI began, though. I'd had several panic attacks just thinking about the tube, since my experiences with claustrophobia are legion.

I didn't even mind advertising to the sonographer, as I eased down my jeans, that I'd resorted to Depends in case I'd had to wait any longer for the test. She rubbed the thingie across my pelvis and said, "Oh, you're filling up nicely now. Not quite enough yet, though...A little more water and you'll be all set."

A little more water? Had she lost her mind?

I yanked my jeans up again and ran back out to Doug. "Not yet. Where's that bottle?" I took another pill, just in case what I'd already taken started to wear off before the MRI ended. It was already 9:30, and I still hadn't done the 8:30 test.

The door opened, and the bone density scan lady called me back. "This will only take ten minutes, and then you'll be ready for your ultrasound." I didn't have to take any clothing off, so she never knew about the Depends, unless I had a tell-tale Depends-line and didn't know it.

By the time she finished with me, I was desperate to pee. I mean, I couldn't wait one second longer. But the door to the sonographer's room was firmly shut. Her new patient had arrived.

I scurried back out to Doug. "It's going to be another half-hour! I can't wait to pee! All the water in the universe has come home to roost!" The attendant behind the desk said, "Can you go to the bathroom and just let out a tiny bit? And then stop? Because if you let out too much, you'll have to drink some more..."

I'll just say it right here, since I'm saying everything else. The whole start-and-stop thing isn't my forte. Once the works are turned on, the Energizer Bunny scampers across the stage. But I had to TRY to go just a tiny bit and then stop, or I would die of a Burst Bladder.

When I was eight years old, my grandmother told me a story of a young lady whose suitor came to call. (You may think this is a digression. Trust me, it's not.) She went with him in his horse-drawn buggy before using the outhouse first. The fellow was serious about courting and the ride turned into an all-afternoon affair. The poor girl was too embarassed to tell the gentleman that she needed to go BAD, and she died of a Burst Bladder.

My entire life, I've let that story be a lesson to me. That is NOT how I plan to go.

Thirteen minutes after I went just a little bit and then stopped, the sonographer called me back. This time, my bladder was filled to absolute perfection and she completed her job before I ruined my Depends. Which is good, because even though I was allowed to go to the bathroom after the ultrasound, an hour in an MRI machine is a VERY long time.

The MRI was the least stressful I've ever had, perhaps because the events leading up to it were so frantic. I may have even taken a nap in the machine, Xanax-induced though it would have been.

Then Doug and I had omelettes at a breakfast dive before coming on home.

The rest of the day--one of those days when you're commanded not to operate heavy machinery like the washing machine or the vacuum cleaner or the cordless phone--I found myself relaxed and, um, relieved.

The piece de resistance of the whole kooky day came right before bedtime, as we watched the teasers for the local news.

"Giant rats are running rampant through Brookside, and residents want them gone. Plus, why does this man keep an amputated foot in a bucket on his porch?"

Yeah. Yesterday turned out to be a lot more fun than I expected. We even laughed outselves to sleep.

Posted by Katy on 07/27/05 at 07:39 AM

Fallible Comments...

Thanks for sharing your embarrasment and giving me my laughs for today. I'm glad your day ended with laughter as well.
-----
Posted by Elizabeth on 07/27/05 at 03:29 PM
katy, you must learn to be more vulnerable in your blogging..it would help make the rest of us able to smile that knowing smile and not feel so alone... ;)
Posted by lisa on 07/27/05 at 04:11 PM
Sonograms are the absolute worst, and I think you and I have seen a lot of tests, my dearest sis. They always tell me I don't have enough water in me, either. And then when I'm flowing like the Pacific, they let me "pee just a little", too. I'll have to try the Depends route the next time.
Posted by Bridget on 07/27/05 at 04:52 PM
Elizabeth--I'm glad I could give you your laughs! And best wishes with your mother's wonderful anniversary...

Lisa--I am trying to become more transparent (that's the word we used before "authentic" gained popularity), but these things take time... :)

Bridgie--Medical-Tests-Backwards R-Us! Yesterday Scotty asked me what the tests were for. "Just routine?" he said. "Oh, yeah. Routine. Checking for brains tumors and stuff." He nodded and then I said, "Oh, I guess to other people checking for brain tumors wouldn't seem routine..." We got a chuckle out of that!
Posted by Katy on 07/28/05 at 05:27 PM
Yeahhh, and I keep wondering why they can't make a mamo machine that's like Madonna's big ol' rocket-cone bra thangy. You know, you could just put on the mamo-bra and just like a CAT scan thing it would whirl around each breast and take the dang picture! What is up with all the mashing?!
Posted by Susan on 07/29/05 at 04:41 AM
Practice up for a mamo by slamming them in the refrigerator door a few times! hey, I get claustrophobic too. man, I hate those things.

I'd say your post made me laugh so hard I wet my pants, but I got up and went just before I blogged over here. Didn't want to spoil my Depends. : ) Thanks, Katy.
Posted by Paula on 07/31/05 at 03:16 AM
Katy, you brought tears to my eyes. :D
Posted by The Other Katy on 07/31/05 at 08:51 AM
Susan--That's the BEST idea ever!! The whole Madonna thing might work for the rest of us chicks, too... The Conical Mammo Bra--quick, get a patent! :)

Paula--It's scary how much we think alike. Depends aren't cheap! You gotta save them whenever you can! I've passed on your refrigerator line to a few ladies. If you're prepping for a mammo and having a hot flash at the same time, you could stick your head in the freezer while you're slamming the fridge...

The Other Katy--I'm so glad you popped in here! I've been reading your blog, too, and really enjoying it. (I'm a Kathleen, also...)
Posted by Katy on 08/02/05 at 03:57 PM
I'm only 15 and my bladder has become so stretched (permanantly) that one of these days, if I hold my pee just for a short time, it will burst. If I even LIVE through that, I'll be on dialasis 3x a week for the rest of my life. It scares me, but there's only so much I can do! I'm just glad I've had the wonderful opportunity to read this thing. Now I know someone else feels as if they might need to wear Depends! Hee, Hee! So long!
Posted by Samantha on 11/04/05 at 07:53 AM
WOw! I caused not know that. That is unbelievable, but phonograph records shows it is manageable. I just jargon imagine if that will encounter attendant. Its threatening. Tanks for the information.
Posted by cat urine smell remove on 08/21/09 at 07:31 AM
What do they check for during medical test in a company?
How can i know ,am i medically fit?are there any self tests?
Posted by stainless steel sinks on 09/09/09 at 06:27 AM
Sonograms are the absolute worst, and I think you and I have seen a lot of tests, my dearest sis. They always tell me I don’t have enough water in me, either. And then when I’m flowing like the Pacific, they let me "pee just a little", too. I’ll have to try the Depends route the next time.
Posted by dehydration symptoms on 09/10/09 at 01:52 PM
I accept bookmarked you page, hopefully you add some added advice for us to use.
Posted by montreal massage parlor on 05/21/10 at 09:17 AM
I love alot of thing and do some things that are looked down upon by the world. I'm very open minded and a free spirit...<a href="http://www.transfertests.co.uk/">Transfer Test Northern Ireland</a>
Posted by villash on 08/20/10 at 12:56 AM
This is really good information about drinking water.You know doctors are advised to drink 3lit in everyday.We can reduce the weight through water therapy...
<a href="http://www.medical-billing.com/">medical billing</a>
Posted by John robert on 09/25/10 at 04:04 AM
Man all those crazy medical tests, that sucks.
Posted by Georgio on 11/21/10 at 06:04 PM

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Personal blog of christian writer & fallible mom Katy McKenna Raymond in Kansas City, Missouri Katy is represented by Greg Johnson at WordServe Literary Read more Katy at LateBoomer.net Follow Katy on Twitter Follow Katy on Facebook 123 Recent Posts Try Becoming Brenda Starr Off Beat Scattered That’s It So I’ve Finally Signed With An Agent. Now What? The Spoon Sciatica Sweetheart A Woman’s Train of Thought Has No Caboose However much we own, we are all still living on borrowed time After all, when restaurants shrink portions, they don’t shrink prices. As with everything in life, balance is key. Slow down, you move too fast… Yeah, I know. I have issues. Search Advanced Search Syndicate Login E me at katy @ ngenius.com	And I Don’t Have To Go Right Now Yesterday was Cram-All-The-Medical-Tests-Into-One-Long-Session Day. The schedule of events called for an 8:30 pelvic ultrasound (to check out those pesky ovarian cysts I've sprouted my whole life), followed by a 9:00 mammogram (to which I bring nothing to the table), then a 9:30 MRI of my head (to check for a recurrence of brain tumors), and finally a 10:30 bone density scan (to see if I've inherited my mother's osteoporosis). I was instructed to begin drinking 32 ounces of water at 7:30, so that my bladder would be full to bursting by 8:30. I informed Doug upon awakening that I knew too much about my own itty-bitty-bladder syndrome to follow the written instructions. "I'm only drinking 16 ounces, starting at 8:00. Believe you me, my bladder will be the fullest one they've ever seen in their entire bladder-seeing careers." "Are you sure?" he said. "You wouldn't want to arrive half-empty and throw off the schedule of events." "Trust me. I have to take Xanax at exactly 8:30 to get relaxed enough to be able to survive the 9:30 MRI. But if I'm relaxed when the sonographer is pushing the thingie around on my pelvis and my bladder's too full, I'll pee on the table. Then where will I be?" So, I followed my plan. At 8:30, I scooted my pants down on the sonographer's table and she covered me with goop. Two seconds later she said, "Oh-oh. You must be dehydrated. The water you drank isn't getting to your bladder. See?" She pointed her screen to me to show how my bladder was only one-tenth full. "You'll have to sit in the lobby and drink some more--a lot more." Doug was waiting in the lobby. My eyes got big when I saw him and I shook my head. "Foiled again. Hand me that water bottle." I ran down the hall with it and my purse, which contained a Depends Adult Undergarment. I velcroed that puppy to my behind in the john before I guzzled another 16 ounces in two minutes flat. There's no way I can hold that much water when I'm on relaxation medication. You know what they say. "This is your bladder. This is your extremely overfull bladder on Xanax." Not a pretty picture. I ran back to the waiting room. Doug said, "They called your name. They're reversing the order of the tests while they wait for your bladder to fill." So I scurried back to the mammography room, where the very kind technician flattened my breasts between two steel rectangles first horizontally and then--after I said thank you very much it's been real I'm outta here--vertically. I slapped my blouse back on and opened the door in time for the sonographer to greet me with a smile. "Come on back. We'll get you taken care of before my next appointment arrives." By now the Xanax had kicked in big-time. I kept hoping it wouldn't wear off before the MRI began, though. I'd had several panic attacks just thinking about the tube, since my experiences with claustrophobia are legion. I didn't even mind advertising to the sonographer, as I eased down my jeans, that I'd resorted to Depends in case I'd had to wait any longer for the test. She rubbed the thingie across my pelvis and said, "Oh, you're filling up nicely now. Not quite enough yet, though...A little more water and you'll be all set." A little more water? Had she lost her mind? I yanked my jeans up again and ran back out to Doug. "Not yet. Where's that bottle?" I took another pill, just in case what I'd already taken started to wear off before the MRI ended. It was already 9:30, and I still hadn't done the 8:30 test. The door opened, and the bone density scan lady called me back. "This will only take ten minutes, and then you'll be ready for your ultrasound." I didn't have to take any clothing off, so she never knew about the Depends, unless I had a tell-tale Depends-line and didn't know it. By the time she finished with me, I was desperate to pee. I mean, I couldn't wait one second longer. But the door to the sonographer's room was firmly shut. Her new patient had arrived. I scurried back out to Doug. "It's going to be another half-hour! I can't wait to pee! All the water in the universe has come home to roost!" The attendant behind the desk said, "Can you go to the bathroom and just let out a tiny bit? And then stop? Because if you let out too much, you'll have to drink some more..." I'll just say it right here, since I'm saying everything else. The whole start-and-stop thing isn't my forte. Once the works are turned on, the Energizer Bunny scampers across the stage. But I had to TRY to go just a tiny bit and then stop, or I would die of a Burst Bladder. When I was eight years old, my grandmother told me a story of a young lady whose suitor came to call. (You may think this is a digression. Trust me, it's not.) She went with him in his horse-drawn buggy before using the outhouse first. The fellow was serious about courting and the ride turned into an all-afternoon affair. The poor girl was too embarassed to tell the gentleman that she needed to go BAD, and she died of a Burst Bladder. My entire life, I've let that story be a lesson to me. That is NOT how I plan to go. Thirteen minutes after I went just a little bit and then stopped, the sonographer called me back. This time, my bladder was filled to absolute perfection and she completed her job before I ruined my Depends. Which is good, because even though I was allowed to go to the bathroom after the ultrasound, an hour in an MRI machine is a VERY long time. The MRI was the least stressful I've ever had, perhaps because the events leading up to it were so frantic. I may have even taken a nap in the machine, Xanax-induced though it would have been. Then Doug and I had omelettes at a breakfast dive before coming on home. The rest of the day--one of those days when you're commanded not to operate heavy machinery like the washing machine or the vacuum cleaner or the cordless phone--I found myself relaxed and, um, relieved. The piece de resistance of the whole kooky day came right before bedtime, as we watched the teasers for the local news. "Giant rats are running rampant through Brookside, and residents want them gone. Plus, why does this man keep an amputated foot in a bucket on his porch?" Yeah. Yesterday turned out to be a lot more fun than I expected. We even laughed outselves to sleep. Posted by Katy on 07/27/05 at 07:39 AM Fallible Comments... Thanks for sharing your embarrasment and giving me my laughs for today. I'm glad your day ended with laughter as well. ----- Posted by Elizabeth on 07/27/05 at 03:29 PM katy, you must learn to be more vulnerable in your blogging..it would help make the rest of us able to smile that knowing smile and not feel so alone... ;) Posted by lisa on 07/27/05 at 04:11 PM Sonograms are the absolute worst, and I think you and I have seen a lot of tests, my dearest sis. They always tell me I don't have enough water in me, either. And then when I'm flowing like the Pacific, they let me "pee just a little", too. I'll have to try the Depends route the next time. Posted by Bridget on 07/27/05 at 04:52 PM Elizabeth--I'm glad I could give you your laughs! And best wishes with your mother's wonderful anniversary... Lisa--I am trying to become more transparent (that's the word we used before "authentic" gained popularity), but these things take time... :) Bridgie--Medical-Tests-Backwards R-Us! Yesterday Scotty asked me what the tests were for. "Just routine?" he said. "Oh, yeah. Routine. Checking for brains tumors and stuff." He nodded and then I said, "Oh, I guess to other people checking for brain tumors wouldn't seem routine..." We got a chuckle out of that! Posted by Katy on 07/28/05 at 05:27 PM Yeahhh, and I keep wondering why they can't make a mamo machine that's like Madonna's big ol' rocket-cone bra thangy. You know, you could just put on the mamo-bra and just like a CAT scan thing it would whirl around each breast and take the dang picture! What is up with all the mashing?! Posted by Susan on 07/29/05 at 04:41 AM Practice up for a mamo by slamming them in the refrigerator door a few times! hey, I get claustrophobic too. man, I hate those things. I'd say your post made me laugh so hard I wet my pants, but I got up and went just before I blogged over here. Didn't want to spoil my Depends. : ) Thanks, Katy. Posted by Paula on 07/31/05 at 03:16 AM Katy, you brought tears to my eyes. :D Posted by The Other Katy on 07/31/05 at 08:51 AM Susan--That's the BEST idea ever!! The whole Madonna thing might work for the rest of us chicks, too... The Conical Mammo Bra--quick, get a patent! :) Paula--It's scary how much we think alike. Depends aren't cheap! You gotta save them whenever you can! I've passed on your refrigerator line to a few ladies. If you're prepping for a mammo and having a hot flash at the same time, you could stick your head in the freezer while you're slamming the fridge... The Other Katy--I'm so glad you popped in here! I've been reading your blog, too, and really enjoying it. (I'm a Kathleen, also...) Posted by Katy on 08/02/05 at 03:57 PM I'm only 15 and my bladder has become so stretched (permanantly) that one of these days, if I hold my pee just for a short time, it will burst. If I even LIVE through that, I'll be on dialasis 3x a week for the rest of my life. It scares me, but there's only so much I can do! I'm just glad I've had the wonderful opportunity to read this thing. Now I know someone else feels as if they might need to wear Depends! Hee, Hee! So long! Posted by Samantha on 11/04/05 at 07:53 AM WOw! I caused not know that. That is unbelievable, but phonograph records shows it is manageable. I just jargon imagine if that will encounter attendant. Its threatening. Tanks for the information. Posted by cat urine smell remove on 08/21/09 at 07:31 AM What do they check for during medical test in a company? How can i know ,am i medically fit?are there any self tests? Posted by stainless steel sinks on 09/09/09 at 06:27 AM Sonograms are the absolute worst, and I think you and I have seen a lot of tests, my dearest sis. They always tell me I don’t have enough water in me, either. And then when I’m flowing like the Pacific, they let me "pee just a little", too. I’ll have to try the Depends route the next time. Posted by dehydration symptoms on 09/10/09 at 01:52 PM I accept bookmarked you page, hopefully you add some added advice for us to use. Posted by montreal massage parlor on 05/21/10 at 09:17 AM I love alot of thing and do some things that are looked down upon by the world. I'm very open minded and a free spirit...<a href="http://www.transfertests.co.uk/">Transfer Test Northern Ireland</a> Posted by villash on 08/20/10 at 12:56 AM This is really good information about drinking water.You know doctors are advised to drink 3lit in everyday.We can reduce the weight through water therapy... <a href="http://www.medical-billing.com/">medical billing</a> Posted by John robert on 09/25/10 at 04:04 AM Man all those crazy medical tests, that sucks. Posted by Georgio on 11/21/10 at 06:04 PM Page 1 of 1 pages Commenting is not available in this weblog entry. Next entry: Do You Remember Where You Were When...? Previous entry: Another Weekend, Another Wedding << Back to main


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And I Don’t Have To Go Right Now

Personal blog of christian
writer & fallible mom
Katy McKenna Raymond
in Kansas City, Missouri